A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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posted
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
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quote:Originally posted by CashCowMoo: Its funny because its true!
LOL harry Reid and Pelosi in bar in Montanna? I don't think they's have the guts for that... oh wait, Montanna? isn't that where the Senator with the "wide stance" is from? You know the guy that taps his neighbors toes in the mens room stall?
-------------------- Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.
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..Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced:
.."Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
..The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
..Silence followed.
..Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
.."Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
..From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
...."For the luvva Jaysus!......you should see the back of mine!"
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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..I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
..My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
..Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
..Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
...A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
....Time for another beer.
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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.. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
..There was only one little thing bothering me..
..It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
..My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
..She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
..It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else.
..One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
..She was alone when I arrived. she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. she couldn't overcome them anymore.
..She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
..She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
..I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
..I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
..Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
..With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
..We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'And the moral of this story is:
.....Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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quote:Originally posted by Pagan: ***What deep thinkers men are***...
..I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
..My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
..Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
..Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
...A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
....Time for another beer.
I like this one.
-------------------- Nashoba Holba Chepulechi Adventures in microcapitalism...
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