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Author Topic: just a joke...
glassman
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quote:
Originally posted by SeekingFreedom:
This sounded sooooooooo familiar for some reason... [Razz]

 -

LOL, yeah you were watching the GOP blame joblosses and a dead economy on Obama.

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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jordanreed
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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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jordan

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Pagan
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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf so forget about
the anesthetic, I don't having time for the gums to get numb, I just want
you to pull the damn tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at
the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to
wait for the anesthetic to work!

..The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this
is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

....The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your
mouth Honey, and show him."

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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

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glassman
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"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin." - André Berthiaume

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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CashCowMoo
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This joke wasnt too funny for the guy!

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news%2Fnational_world&id=8246202

GARDEN GROVE, CA -- Police say a Southern California woman drugged her estranged husband, tied him to a bed, cut off his penis with a knife and threw it down a garbage disposal.

Garden Grove police Lt. Jeff Nightengale tells City News Service the attack occurred Monday night. He says 48-year-old Catherine Kieu Becker was booked at the Orange County Jail for investigation of aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse.

The 51-year-old victim's name was not released but Nightengale says he is in serious condition after surgery at a hospital.

Nightengale says the woman told responding officers the victim "deserved it."

The woman is due in court Wednesday. A telephone listing for her residence could not be located.

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It isn't so much that liberals are ignorant. It's just that they know so many things that aren't so.

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jordanreed
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An older guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...


He asked the trainer who was nearby, "What machine in here can I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.

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jordan

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jordanreed
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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of a thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a mans. Women blink twice as often as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb

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jordan

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jordanreed
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A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.

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jordan

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a surfer
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How do you starve an Obama supporter.....?

Hide his food stamps under his work shoes.

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glassman
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For all you single ladies who are in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate, Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz,don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects YOAZ!!

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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Pagan
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A man is sitting at home on the porch with his wife and he says "I love you." She says" Is that you or the beer talking?" He says it's me talking to the beer.

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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

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buckstalker
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A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on
his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with
email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

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***********************

It's all in the timing...

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glassman
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LOL... that is good...

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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jordanreed
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1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess’ on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

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jordan

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glassman
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this has more than a few good laughs in it:

http://www.theonion.com/video/gop-supports-obama-for-2012-we-need-more-time-to-c ,21130/

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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SeekingFreedom
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Oops: Keychains Touting Missouri Jobs Initiative Actually ‘Made in China’


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Officials peeled "Made in China" stickers off these keychains promoting Missouri's new jobs initiative. (St. Louis Today)


(snort)

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/oops-keychains-touting-missouri-jobs-initiative- actually-made-in-china/

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/weepforthenation

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SeekingFreedom
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And yes, Buck...that is good...

ROFLMAO

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/weepforthenation

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glassman
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and yes, SF, that is sad... why do they even need to give away these trinkets? my guess is that soembodies brother made a deal that made him 100% on a quick flip [Wink]


do you know if are there any american made Carabiners that some Craftsmen in the US still make( the real thing)... you know the ones that can carry the shock of a 175 pound man falling 30 feet and catching him? i bet we do, and i bet they cost 10$ wholesale not 10 cents [Wink]

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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glassman
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hmmm... one of the best producers is Black Diamnd,
 -

i went to their website and here is what they boast of:

What began with a backyard anvil and a hammer has grown into a global company with offices on three continents that's not just for rock climbers, but one that stands for the spirit of the sports we live, their values and goals, past, present and future. Since 1957, our innovative gear designs have set the standards in numerous areas. This is partly the result of dedication, desire and diligence on the part of an incredible team of people. It's also the result of each of us being climbers and skiers ourselves.

We're a company of users—it's who we are. We're the greatest dreamers about what could be, and the harshest of critics about what exists and because of this—the creation of Black Diamond is a process which will never end. The company today is more committed than ever, thanks to the many people here in the U.S., at Black Diamond Europe and at Black Diamond Asia whose limitless energy and hands-on involvement have created a promising future for all climbers and skiers worldwide.


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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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jordanreed
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Times are tough:
The recession has hit everybody really hard.
*Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries

*A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies
while she danced.

*I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

*Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

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jordan

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jordanreed
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A 14 yr old boy runs to his dad and says "dad, I want to learn how to play bass guitar." The dad agrees to buy him a bass and get him into lessons.

He goes to his first lesson after school and as he returns his dad asks about the lesson. The boy says "oh, it was really cool I learned that this is an 'A'," and he plays quarter notes on the 'A' string; da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

The following week he goes to the lesson and his father asks him again how it went. Teh boy shows him that he learned how to play an 'E' and he plays on 'E' for him.

the 3rd week the boy does not return home until 2:30 AM!!!! The father has been worried sick and demands what happened after the lesson. - The boy replies; "ah screw the lessons dad; I had a gig."

it could be worse - he could be a drummer.

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jordan

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CashCowMoo
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The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and Exxon-Mobile laid off 25 Congressmen.

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It isn't so much that liberals are ignorant. It's just that they know so many things that aren't so.

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T e x
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got the same e-mail:

http://www.xdtalk.com/forums/xdtalk-chatter-box/178523-economy-so-bad.html

I like: "bought a toaster and got a free bank."

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Nashoba Holba Chepulechi
Adventures in microcapitalism...

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jordanreed
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been. .

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner,,

I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

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jordan

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CashCowMoo
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"So I said to Barack Obama..I know Abe Lincoln, and you're no Lincoln!"  -

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It isn't so much that liberals are ignorant. It's just that they know so many things that aren't so.

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jordanreed
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if you wanna make a political joke thread..start one and I'll be glad to partake,,but lets keep this thread outta politics.. try to keep the mood light.

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jordan

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CashCowMoo
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quote:
Originally posted by jordanreed:
if you wanna make a political joke thread..start one and I'll be glad to partake,,but lets keep this thread outta politics.. try to keep the mood light.

Ah true, I just caught that.
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buckstalker
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quote:
Originally posted by jordanreed:
if you wanna make a political joke thread..start one and I'll be glad to partake,,but lets keep this thread outta politics.. try to keep the mood light.

Politics and politicians ARE a joke Jordan...

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***********************

It's all in the timing...

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glassman
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Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."

The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon shuts them up when he says: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no Guts, no Heart, no Balls, No Brains, and no Spine. Plus the Head and the Ass are interchangeabl

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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CashCowMoo
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glass, thats probably the best analogy for our congress right now lol

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It isn't so much that liberals are ignorant. It's just that they know so many things that aren't so.

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glassman
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I understand that the GOP named the fault that caused the Va quake last week:

It's Obama's fault [Big Grin]

i bet you can guess what the Dems named it [Wink]

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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jordanreed
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this is gonna turn into a mean, name calling , pol[t[cal, bashing thread ,, like all the others. Tha t wasn't my intention....you guys are hopeless. You can close this thread...its lost its fun.

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jordan

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CashCowMoo
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Jordan, here is a quote for you. Use it to self evaluate yourself...especially when it comes to calling people sleezy names like tea baggers and everything else you do.


The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

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It isn't so much that liberals are ignorant. It's just that they know so many things that aren't so.

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jordanreed
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is that a joke?...or is it a slam?....see what I mean?...the thread has now changed into what all the others have. Good job

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jordan

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glassman
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gee, jordan, i didn't think my jokes were really political, i wasn't picking on one party more than the other...

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Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise.

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