Hung Chow (must be Hung Lo's brother) calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come to work today. I really sick. Got headache and legs hurt. I no come to work."
His boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung chow calls again and says, "I do what you say and I feel much better and I be to work soon...... You got nice house."
Posted by glassman on :
thought you might like this jordan:
stunning bass-string shot; Frequency of the bass strings and high shutter speed of the camera lead to this surprising string-wobble footage.
There is no slowmo applied to the take. Sound is original. video was filmed with a Canon 5D MarkII , Nikon 50mm lens on 1,8f.
My girlfriend warned me that if I got her one more stupid gift then she would burn it, so I got her a candle. That showed her.
Posted by jordanreed on :
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my Sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling Marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are Prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is Currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three Children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a jazz musician?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!" Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
...Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Posted by jordanreed on :
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?/DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?/THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
Posted by Bob Frey on :
A young shapely gal was hired at a small country store. One day she wore a rather short skirt to work, and the first customer was a young man who immediately noted what she was wearing. She looked at him and asked if he needed help.
Looking around he saw that the bread was kept on shelves directly behind her as she stood at the register. He also noticed that on the top shelf, high enough to need a step ladder to reach, was the raisen bread.
He asked for the raisen bread and the young lass pulled over the step ladder, climbed up stretching a bit to reach it, and climbed down with the bread.
As she was coming down from the ladder, another man happened into the store and saw her reach for the bread, and as she returned to the counter he said he'd have the same. So, the young lady went back up the ladder, stretched for another loaf, and climbed back down with the bread.
As she approached the counter, a third man was there at the counter and he asked for raisen bread too. So the young lady trudged back up the ladder, stretched, and got the bread, but while she was up there she noticed an old man with a walker entering the store. Thinking she would save herself some effort she shouted down at the old man, "Is yours raisen too?"
The startled old man looked up for the first time and saw the young woman at the top of the step ladder and answered, "No miss, But it's a twitchin' a might."
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
omg, I have never seen someone act like that before.
"Ill give YOU a sermon on the mound"
Posted by Pagan on :
Unfortunately...this is a true story.(and by all means click the link...I know you will to see the mugshot)
Woman Utters Line Never Previously Recorded In A Police Report
Malodorous suspect gets 90 days in jail.
Meet Melissa Lee Williams. The West Virginia woman, 41, is facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct at a motor inn.
The October 22 incident is detailed in an amusing/gross Jackson County Sheriff’s Department report excerpted here.
According to investigators, Williams--who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn--showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my p*ssy.” At this point, Williams, pictured in the mug shot at right, “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.
While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”
This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my p*ssy or I’m going to cut your f*cking throat.”
When Deputy Mellinger arrived on the scene he observed Williams--who, like the two men, appeared to be intoxicated--nude from the waist down. After pocketing a knife that was on the coffee table in front of Williams, Mellinger arrested her for domestic assault and brandishing a deadly weapon.
Williams, who was released from jail after posting $3000 bond, is next due in Jackson County Magistrate Court on February 16.
Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer.
Posted by jordanreed on :
Whats the first thing a sorority girl does when she gets up in the morning?
--walks home!"
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Me: Can I use the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that. My bad. MAY I use the restroom?
Teacher: ...
________________________________
*FACEBOOK CHAT*
Girl- Who do you like?
Boy- I'm talking to her
Girl- Awww
Boy- Oh not you, it's another girl I'm talking to.
Girl- ...
___________________________________________
Studies say 90% of women don't like men in pink T-shirts.
IRONICALLY, 90% of Men in pink T-shirts don't like women.
Posted by jordanreed on :
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," ...call them and ask if they meant you or them!!.......................................................................... ...........................
it's rough these days -Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Every time i see a mattress on top of a car i think it's a prostitute making house calls
Posted by buckstalker on :
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.' BOB'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Fact: Pollen is tree sperm
Funny to think of it in that perspective. Have you ever walked out to your car, and that yellow dust is all over your car?
Posted by Peaser on :
watching that makes my blood boil...
Posted by glassman on :
yes, you WILL be assimilated.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
What happened to those people and why was that not covered on mainstream media? Sickening, thats why I lost respect for police. I have personally encountered some eye opening situations with police where they just think they can do whatever they want because they have a badge.
Back in the days protect and SERVE actually meant something. Now the police departments are cash flow generators.
Posted by glassman on :
quote:Originally posted by CashCowMoo: What happened to those people and why was that not covered on mainstream media? Sickening, thats why I lost respect for police. I have personally encountered some eye opening situations with police where they just think they can do whatever they want because they have a badge.
Back in the days protect and SERVE actually meant something. Now the police departments are cash flow generators.
yeah and it don't seem to matter if you have a GOP or a Dem in office
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
quote:Originally posted by glassman:
quote:Originally posted by CashCowMoo: What happened to those people and why was that not covered on mainstream media? Sickening, thats why I lost respect for police. I have personally encountered some eye opening situations with police where they just think they can do whatever they want because they have a badge.
Back in the days protect and SERVE actually meant something. Now the police departments are cash flow generators.
yeah and it don't seem to matter if you have a GOP or a Dem in office
Huh? I know that. Police are police. Not all are bad, but we are seeing more and more incidents thanks to cell phone cameras of cops acting above the law.
Posted by SeekingFreedom on :
This sounded sooooooooo familiar for some reason...
Posted by glassman on :
quote:Originally posted by SeekingFreedom: This sounded sooooooooo familiar for some reason...
LOL, yeah you were watching the GOP blame joblosses and a dead economy on Obama.
Posted by jordanreed on :
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!" I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg." My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Posted by Pagan on :
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf so forget about the anesthetic, I don't having time for the gums to get numb, I just want you to pull the damn tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
..The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
....The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."
Posted by glassman on :
"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin." - André Berthiaume
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
GARDEN GROVE, CA -- Police say a Southern California woman drugged her estranged husband, tied him to a bed, cut off his penis with a knife and threw it down a garbage disposal.
Garden Grove police Lt. Jeff Nightengale tells City News Service the attack occurred Monday night. He says 48-year-old Catherine Kieu Becker was booked at the Orange County Jail for investigation of aggravated mayhem, false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse.
The 51-year-old victim's name was not released but Nightengale says he is in serious condition after surgery at a hospital.
Nightengale says the woman told responding officers the victim "deserved it."
The woman is due in court Wednesday. A telephone listing for her residence could not be located.
Posted by jordanreed on :
An older guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...
He asked the trainer who was nearby, "What machine in here can I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.
Posted by jordanreed on :
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3 kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of a thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a mans. Women blink twice as often as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb
Posted by jordanreed on :
A new study found that only 20 percent of high school seniors are proficient in geography. Students weren't really bothered by that number because only 3 percent of them are proficient in math.
Posted by a surfer on :
How do you starve an Obama supporter.....?
Hide his food stamps under his work shoes.
Posted by glassman on :
For all you single ladies who are in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate, Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz,don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects YOAZ!!
Posted by Pagan on :
A man is sitting at home on the porch with his wife and he says "I love you." She says" Is that you or the beer talking?" He says it's me talking to the beer.
Posted by buckstalker on :
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a flock of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
Posted by glassman on :
LOL... that is good...
Posted by jordanreed on :
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content. 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here. 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess’ on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Posted by glassman on :
and yes, SF, that is sad... why do they even need to give away these trinkets? my guess is that soembodies brother made a deal that made him 100% on a quick flip
do you know if are there any american made Carabiners that some Craftsmen in the US still make( the real thing)... you know the ones that can carry the shock of a 175 pound man falling 30 feet and catching him? i bet we do, and i bet they cost 10$ wholesale not 10 cents Posted by glassman on :
hmmm... one of the best producers is Black Diamnd,
i went to their website and here is what they boast of:
What began with a backyard anvil and a hammer has grown into a global company with offices on three continents that's not just for rock climbers, but one that stands for the spirit of the sports we live, their values and goals, past, present and future. Since 1957, our innovative gear designs have set the standards in numerous areas. This is partly the result of dedication, desire and diligence on the part of an incredible team of people. It's also the result of each of us being climbers and skiers ourselves.
We're a company of users—it's who we are. We're the greatest dreamers about what could be, and the harshest of critics about what exists and because of this—the creation of Black Diamond is a process which will never end. The company today is more committed than ever, thanks to the many people here in the U.S., at Black Diamond Europe and at Black Diamond Asia whose limitless energy and hands-on involvement have created a promising future for all climbers and skiers worldwide. Posted by jordanreed on :
Times are tough: The recession has hit everybody really hard. *Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries
*A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
*I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
*Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
Posted by jordanreed on :
A 14 yr old boy runs to his dad and says "dad, I want to learn how to play bass guitar." The dad agrees to buy him a bass and get him into lessons.
He goes to his first lesson after school and as he returns his dad asks about the lesson. The boy says "oh, it was really cool I learned that this is an 'A'," and he plays quarter notes on the 'A' string; da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
The following week he goes to the lesson and his father asks him again how it went. Teh boy shows him that he learned how to play an 'E' and he plays on 'E' for him.
the 3rd week the boy does not return home until 2:30 AM!!!! The father has been worried sick and demands what happened after the lesson. - The boy replies; "ah screw the lessons dad; I had a gig."
it could be worse - he could be a drummer.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail, and Exxon-Mobile laid off 25 Congressmen.
Posted by T e x on :
I like: "bought a toaster and got a free bank."
Posted by jordanreed on :
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been. .
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner,,
I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
"So I said to Barack Obama..I know Abe Lincoln, and you're no Lincoln!" Posted by jordanreed on :
if you wanna make a political joke thread..start one and I'll be glad to partake,,but lets keep this thread outta politics.. try to keep the mood light.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
quote:Originally posted by jordanreed: if you wanna make a political joke thread..start one and I'll be glad to partake,,but lets keep this thread outta politics.. try to keep the mood light.
Ah true, I just caught that.
Posted by buckstalker on :
quote:Originally posted by jordanreed: if you wanna make a political joke thread..start one and I'll be glad to partake,,but lets keep this thread outta politics.. try to keep the mood light.
Politics and politicians ARE a joke Jordan...
Posted by glassman on :
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shuts them up when he says: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no Guts, no Heart, no Balls, No Brains, and no Spine. Plus the Head and the Ass are interchangeabl
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
glass, thats probably the best analogy for our congress right now lol
Posted by glassman on :
I understand that the GOP named the fault that caused the Va quake last week:
It's Obama's fault
i bet you can guess what the Dems named it Posted by jordanreed on :
this is gonna turn into a mean, name calling , pol[t[cal, bashing thread ,, like all the others. Tha t wasn't my intention....you guys are hopeless. You can close this thread...its lost its fun.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Jordan, here is a quote for you. Use it to self evaluate yourself...especially when it comes to calling people sleezy names like tea baggers and everything else you do.
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Posted by jordanreed on :
is that a joke?...or is it a slam?....see what I mean?...the thread has now changed into what all the others have. Good job
Posted by glassman on :
gee, jordan, i didn't think my jokes were really political, i wasn't picking on one party more than the other...
Posted by Pagan on :
Did anyone hear about Lorena Bobbit's sister? She did the same thing to her boyfriend but missed and only nicked his leg. So they charged her with a missedawiener. Posted by CashCowMoo on :
oh jeez pagan, very predictable.
Posted by glassman on :
quote:Originally posted by Pagan: Did anyone hear about Lorena Bobbit's sister? She did the same thing to her boyfriend but missed and only nicked his leg. So they charged her with a missedawiener.
not a joke, i dunno exaclty why but it occurred to me that you might like this site Pagan, it's updated fairly reguarly and has alot of cool toys to play with:
quote:Originally posted by Pagan: Did anyone hear about Lorena Bobbit's sister? She did the same thing to her boyfriend but missed and only nicked his leg. So they charged her with a missedawiener.
not a joke, i dunno exaclty why but it occurred to me that you might like this site Pagan, it's updated fairly reguarly and has alot of cool toys to play with:
Thanks. There are some interesting items on that site.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
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Posted by SeekingFreedom on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
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Posted by CashCowMoo on :
When a woman says "what?" It doesn't mean she didnt hear you. It means she is giving you a chance to correct yourself.
Posted by Pagan on :
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife......
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Posted by rounder1 on :
A man and a woman had dated for 40 years. In all that time they had never had pre-marital sex. After 40 years of dating, when they were both in their 70's, they finally tied the knot.
So on their wedding night the woman was nervous, she knew that she was not healthy enough to have sex. She had a heart condition that would not allow for it. As she was preparing for bed, she contemplated how she was going to break the news to her new husband. Finally she decided that she was just going to sit down next to him and tell him the truth.
She went to the bed where he was laying and sat down next to him. The husband reached up flicked one strap of her night gown off to the side. Out plopped this big, long, flabby boob....it just landed in a pile on her leg. The husband reached up and flicked the other strap off.....same result. Thinking to herself; "I have to tell him now before this goes to far," she said; "you should know that I have Acute Angina." To which he replied; "Thank God, cause something needs to make up for those ugly azz titties."
Posted by buckstalker on :
pathetic...
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
what is?
Posted by buckstalker on :
Besides rounders joke...your view of current events
Posted by rounder1 on :
Guess I should have tried a knock knock joke....sorry to disappoint.
Posted by buckstalker on :
Well if it is any consolation, your joke is way better than CCM's twisted views of the occupy protesters and the message they are attempting to send...
Posted by T e x on :
Buck,
One of my oldest and dearest friends says, "Funny people do funny thangs."
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
quote:Originally posted by buckstalker: Besides rounders joke...your view of current events
Be more specific next time.
A $50 Lesson: I recently asked my neighbors' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed with pride. 'Wow, what a...... worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that? You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? '
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Posted by buckstalker on :
quote:Originally posted by T e x: Buck,
One of my oldest and dearest friends says, "Funny people do funny thangs."
Yeah...I've heard that before Here's another..."you can't fix stupid"
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
A window salesman talks a blonde into buying windows. A year later the salesman comes back and asks her why she hasn't made any payments. She replied, you said these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Salesman walks away.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
It's only funny it your rotten brain. But that, I guess, pretty much goes without saying.
Posted by jordanreed on :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.. 'The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Posted by poorman on :
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....
Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Posted by Pagan on :
Guy walks into convenience store and says...
Guy: "I need three packs of condoms please." Cashier: "You want a bag with those?" Guy: "Nah, she ain't THAT ugly!"
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
41 second vid, very funny. I am sure you have seen the other spoofs they have made.
If Mac users care more about the environment than Windows users... Why do Macs have a trash can, and Windows have a recycling bin?
Posted by rounder1 on :
St. Peter and the Satan were having a quarrel. Finally, St. Peter said; "I am just gonna sue you." Satan then replied; "oh yeah, where ya gonna find a lawyer?"
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
quote:Originally posted by rounder1: St. Peter and the Satan were having a quarrel. Finally, St. Peter said; "I am just gonna sue you." Satan then replied; "oh yeah, where ya gonna find a lawyer?"
nice one
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Question: A Greek, an Italian and a Spaniard walk into a bar. Who picks up the tab?
Answer: The Americans.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Tom brady dies and goes to heaven. God walks up and says" Here is your house, where you will live for now on". God points to a 2 story house with its own pool and patriots flags everywhere. Brady is so happy until he looks at his nieghbors house. Next tp him is a 5 story mansion with tim tebow flags and statues everywhere. Brady says" How come Tebow gets such a good house". God says" Thats not Tim Tebow's house. Thats mine".
Posted by a surfer on :
LMAO Love the first couple comments...
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Do any of you remember this?
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by glassman on :
The heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other byproducts are produced.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
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Posted by glassman on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
looks like a personal photo glass!
Posted by glassman on :
actually i was looking for a moving van we could all chip in to buy for ya and came across this in the bargainbin
they made a few of them apparently
i think it' looks more like a motorouthouse than a motorhome...
Posted by IWISHIHAD on :
I like it, but how did they get the motor in the rear without a lot of exhaust inside.
=
Posted by glassman on :
shhh... that's the realjoke
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by glassman on :
Posted by glassman on :
Posted by glassman on :
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Posted by IWISHIHAD on :
If the guy at taco bell thinks he is having a bad day, then he should think about the guys that had to burn the matter that was taken from outdoor cans.
Do that many hours a day and it will make restroom duty at taco bell look like fun in compairson.
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Posted by CashCowMoo on :
quote:Originally posted by IWISHIHAD: If the guy at taco bell thinks he is having a bad day, then he should think about the guys that had to burn the matter that was taken from outdoor cans.
Do that many hours a day and it will make restroom duty at taco bell look like fun in compairson.
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Some diesel fuel, and a metal stir rod.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
モンスターうねりが来 る！
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
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Posted by jordanreed on :
Love this one. I don't advocate breaking the law, but....ah..yes I do.
Posted by glassman on :
yeah an he didn't destroy govt property by deamaging the boot either Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by glassman on :
Anonymous Hacks IRS Database — Publishes Romney Tax Returns The Anonymous attack successfully retrieved 25-years worth of Romney’s tax returns and published them without permission on major websites throughout the Internet. The majority of these websites removed the returns within minutes, however it was too late to completely protect the candidate’s already tainted image. We at Free Wood Post were able to examine Romney’s 2008 tax return and found that he had good reason to fear its release. The 2008 return paints a picture of an extraordinarily wealthy man, whose low tax rate and bizarre itemized deductions will surely raise many questions as to his suitability to be President.
Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul stated last week that “there has been no year in which Romney paid zero taxes”. In 2008, this was true. He earned $23,425,316 and paid $412.18 in federal income taxes. This calculates to a federal tax rate of 0.0018%. How did Romney get his tax burden so low? According to his return, he had approximately $23,407,000 in itemized deductions. These deductions ranged from $78,923 for “Toupee Creators Unlimited” and $41,826 for “Spray-on tan services” to a $3.8 million dollar write-off for a trip to Las Vegas with potential campaign donors. The Romney family also paid salaries to their numerous employees including, two yacht captains, three pilots for their private jets, two professional dog walkers, one toupee stylist and a “live-in contortionist”. What someone does with a live-in contortionist, one can only speculate. However, the $891,064 Romney spent on an “EWS Donor Party at the Pennsylvania Mansion” might give us a clue. While the return does not indicate what “EWS” stands for, given that the deducted supplies for the party included “Venetian masks, alcohol, lubricant and various Egyptian leather accessories” it was most likely an “Eyes Wide Shut” party.
In addition to his wild nights, Romney also deducted health related expenses. These included $127,000 for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for a condition termed “Pseudologia fantastica” also known as Compulsive Liar Syndrome. This may explain why the Republican nominee’s views seem to change dramatically depending on his audience. In fact, his recent string of political gaffes may be the direct result of his inability to keep up with the many competing “truths” he has spoken over the past year. According to noted Psychiatrist Bryan King, “Pathological liars seem utterly sincere about their lies, but if confronted with facts to the contrary, will often just as sincerely reverse their story.” According to Politifact, a news organization that researches the veracity of politician’s statements, only 16% of Romney’s examined statements were found to be completely true.
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by glassman on :
that would actually be tasty if they were Vidalia...
i add vidalias last thing in spaghetti suace, adn everybody loves it, they swear i added sugar...
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
There was a time when I would not have done it, but I would eat one too.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Why did the storm trooper buy an iphone?
He couldnt find the droids he was looking for.
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Its funny because its true!
Posted by glassman on :
quote:Originally posted by CashCowMoo: Its funny because its true!
LOL harry Reid and Pelosi in bar in Montanna? I don't think they's have the guts for that... oh wait, Montanna? isn't that where the Senator with the "wide stance" is from? You know the guy that taps his neighbors toes in the mens room stall? Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Well glass, all I have to say to that is....
MOO MOO BUCKAROO!
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Did your wife's wedding dress look like this? She can cover her arms but not her chest!
Posted by IWISHIHAD on :
Someone forgot to let some of the air out of the basketballs before surgery.
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Posted by Pagan on :
**Flight Announcement**
..Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced:
.."Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
..The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
..Silence followed.
..Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
.."Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
..From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
...."For the luvva Jaysus!......you should see the back of mine!"
Posted by Pagan on :
***What deep thinkers men are***...
..I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
..My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
..Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
..Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
...A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
....Time for another beer.
Posted by glassman on :
.. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.
..There was only one little thing bothering me..
..It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
..My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.
..She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.
..It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else.
..One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
..She was alone when I arrived. she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. she couldn't overcome them anymore.
..She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
..She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".
..I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
..I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
..Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
..With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
..We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'And the moral of this story is:
.....Always keep your condoms in your car!!!!
Posted by T e x on :
quote:Originally posted by Pagan: ***What deep thinkers men are***...
..I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
..My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
..Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
..Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
...A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
....Time for another beer.
I like this one.
Posted by glassman on :
me too
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
Weddings....funerals where you can smell your own flowers.
Posted by Pagan on :
What's in a name?
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
Posted by T e x on :
quote:Originally posted by CashCowMoo:
quote:Originally posted by glassman:
quote:Originally posted by CashCowMoo: What happened to those people and why was that not covered on mainstream media? Sickening, thats why I lost respect for police. I have personally encountered some eye opening situations with police where they just think they can do whatever they want because they have a badge.
Back in the days protect and SERVE actually meant something. Now the police departments are cash flow generators.
yeah and it don't seem to matter if you have a GOP or a Dem in office
Huh? I know that. Police are police. Not all are bad, but we are seeing more and more incidents thanks to cell phone cameras of cops acting above the law.
Just now ran across this: did not read the whole thread.
Was any explanation ever offered for this atrocious behavior?
Posted by glassman on :
Robbie Knievel, son of Evil Knievel, will attempt to jump over all the members of Congress with a Caterpillar D-9 Bulldozer!
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
quote:Originally posted by glassman: Robbie Knievel, son of Evil Knievel, will attempt to jump over all the members of Congress with a Caterpillar D-9 Bulldozer!
And all this time I thought a D6 meant business.
Posted by BooDog on :
quote:Originally posted by glassman: Robbie Knievel, son of Evil Knievel, will attempt to jump over all the members of Congress with a Caterpillar D-9 Bulldozer!
Sounds PERFECT! He'll clear them! No worries!
Awwww Too bad.....
Guess it's time to start over and get back to what the constitution is really supposed to be about.
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”
She said, “I sure do."
I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday.
Posted by Pagan on :
Spanish Oysters
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'
Posted by NR on :
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Arkansas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
Truth: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
Posted by Pagan on :
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"
Posted by CashCowMoo on :
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