posted
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A German doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks. A Russian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts 'Yes I am!' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies 'No I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus my brother?' The drunk again answers 'No I haven't found Jesus!' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?!'
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new,' answered the hairy man.
It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 78 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
I'm outta here!!!'
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,
he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a goddam liar. He never did any of that ****.'
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
A woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." By now a crowd was beginning to gather.
The clerk ran away to get the store manager who asked the lady what was wrong. She explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." The crowd was growing larger.
The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such a scene and she very demurely replied, "because I like to have my nipples rubbed when I am being screwed."
The crowd exploded in applause; she walked out of the store with a complete refund and a very smug look on her face.
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
-------------------- jordan Posts: 5812 | From: st paul,mn | Registered: Feb 2004
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posted
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner confirmed today that we are expected to lose $30 billion of our investment in the auto industry. He admits he lost $30 billion of our money. To which Bernie Madoff goes, “Hey, I could have done better than that. Why isn’t he in jail?”
-------------------- Let's Go METS!!! Posts: 3317 | From: CT | Registered: Dec 2006
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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Sounds like it's for real this time though. He has a fondness for fresh baked goods but apparently the greater Kiln, Mississippi area is lacking in bakeries. He plans on opening up a chain of "Favres Flour" shops throughout the south.
Their specialty will be turnovers.
Posts: 5729 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Sep 2003
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These three guys (two younger and one older) always go golfing together every Sunday morning. They're just about to get up on the tee when the club pro walks up and tells them that there's a woman who is golfing by herself and he asks if they would mind if she played along with them. They thought about it and reluctantly said "Sure, no problem."
They were hoping the woman wouldn't slow up their game but once they start playing they soon realize that she is a hell of a golfer. Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only that, she's extremely attractive as well.
They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three men,
"You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman. This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to make this putt, I'll give you a blow job."
The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left edge."
The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think it's right edge."
The older guy walks over and picks up the ball, tosses it to the woman and says, "It's a gimmie."
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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