-------------------- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits Posts: 10204 | From: NYC | Registered: Mar 2006
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know schit?"
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It's all in the timing... Posts: 4303 | From: DSA | Registered: Dec 2003
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
-------------------- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Posts: 2647 | From: MN | Registered: Feb 2006
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The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! < B>
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Peter, how would you say it?' Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'
posted
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to schit when I tell you the price.
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It's all in the timing... Posts: 4303 | From: DSA | Registered: Dec 2003
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i heard this today on the radio, and it's supposedly true:
A comedian's son is dying of cancer. The make a wish foundation sends over an interviewer to find out what they can do for the kid. Before the kid can respond to the main question? The Dad tells the interviewer that his kid wants to see his old man make love to Dolly Parton. The Dad says his son laughed pretty hard.
-------------------- Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise. Posts: 36378 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2003
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quote:Originally posted by glassman: i heard this today on the radio, and it's supposedly true:
A comedian's son is dying of cancer. The make a wish foundation sends over an interviewer to find out what they can do for the kid. Before the kid can respond to the main question? The Dad tells the interviewer that his kid wants to see his old man make love to Dolly Parton. The Dad says his son laughed pretty hard.
-------------------- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits Posts: 10204 | From: NYC | Registered: Mar 2006
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Real things said in court These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
-------------------- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits Posts: 10204 | From: NYC | Registered: Mar 2006
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Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his kenis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
posted
During a church service, a pastor asked the congregation if they had anything they wanted to share that made them thankful.
A woman stood up and said, "I'm thankful because two months ago, my husband had a terrible bicycle wreck. Jim's scrotum was smashed, he was in excruciating pain, and doctors didn't know if they could help him."
A gasp rose from the men in the congregation as they imagined poor Jim's pain.
"Jim was unable to hold me or the children," the woman continued. "Every move caused him terrible pain. Doctors performed a delicate operation to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men squirmed, imagining such surgery.
"But now," she said, "Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say his scrotum should recover completely." With that, she sat down as the men exhaled in unison.
The pastor tentatively asked, "Does anyone else have anything to say?"
A man rose and said, "Good morning. I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, once again, that the word is 'sternum' not "scrotum'!"
-------------------- Let's Go METS!!! Posts: 3317 | From: CT | Registered: Dec 2006
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Blind man in a biker bar . . . A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No . . . Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
-------------------- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Posts: 2647 | From: MN | Registered: Feb 2006
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Ha, ha! Love me some blond jokes. (and believe it or not, I am NOT blond.....)
Two blonds decide to go ice fishing. They grab their poles, and they find what they think would be a good spot. They start to cut a hole in the ice. Suddenly, they hear a booming voice from above saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, but happy with the divine intervention, they move to a different spot and begin to cut a hole in the ice. Again, they hear the voice from above saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!".
Once again, they move to find a better spot. As they begin cutting the ice at this new location, they hear the loud voice from above again saying: > > > > > > > > > > >
> >
"LISTEN, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER...AND I'M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!"
-------------------- "Great Day for Up!"....Dr. Seuss Posts: 3387 | Registered: Mar 2006
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-------------------- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits Posts: 10204 | From: NYC | Registered: Mar 2006
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Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a ***** would have tried that crap with me!'''
-------------------- Let's Go METS!!! Posts: 3317 | From: CT | Registered: Dec 2006
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Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a ***** would have tried that crap with me!'''
first heard that at Skippy's Mistake, in Arlington, TX...about 20-25 years ago. Skip had all the Arlington cops laughing. Funny post...
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LMAO 
