It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied, "it's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen!"
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"
Posted by wdcisco on :
lmao...!!! Good one lockman...Let me get one... Got to read this!!!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" "My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London" "Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with" "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?" "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod?????" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!" Posted by wdcisco on :
What did you guys not get it or something? I thought it was HE-larious....
Posted by HILANDER on :
Three guys are waiting to get into heaven when St. Peter shows up. "In order to get into heaven I'll need an example of Christmas from Each of you" he says. The first guy pulls out a lighter and lights it, "this is a candle he says." The second guy pulls out some keys and jingles them and says "these are bells." The third guy pulls out a pair of womens panties and says "these are Carols."
Posted by wdcisco on :
LMAO!!!
Nice on Hilander!!! Posted by J_U_ICE on :
Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a ***** to death with the chair!"
Posted by wdcisco on :
Thats a classic! Posted by Lockman on :
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!' "
Posted by wdcisco on :
LMAO!
1. A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
3. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
Posted by glassman on :
#3 is not funny, it's true...
Posted by wdcisco on :
I think thats what makes it hilarious Posted by NaturalResources on :
quote:Originally posted by glassman: #3 is not funny, it's true...
Hmmm...ok c'mon guys the thought is funny... Posted by NaturalResources on :
Sorry, didn't mean to be a party pooper...
Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.
Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding in them.
The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped “Bark Bark” so they thought it was a dog. He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said “Meow Meow” so they thought it was a cat. Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard “POTATO!”
Posted by glassman on :
i was actually poking fun at prop man ...
Posted by Jo4321 on :
Little boy is in the back yard playing with his toy airplane, while mom watches him from an open window above the kitchen sink.
He lands the plane and says "Okay, this is your Captain Speaking. All you m-f***ers who want off, get off; all you mo-f***ers who want on, get on."
Mom heard this and said, "Johnny, you aren't to use those words. If I hear anything like that again, you will be spending time in your room.
Johnny sighs and flies the plane around again. Upon landing, says, "Hello, this is your Captain Speaking. All you m-f***ers who want off, get off; all you mo-f***ers who want on, get on."
Mom yells from the window, "Johnny, get inside right now. You will spend 3 hours in your room as punishment for your language."
Johnny dutifully goes to his room. After three hours, he re-emerges and continues his play with his toy airplane with mom watching closely.
Upon landing the plane, he says sweetly, "This is your captain speaking. All you nice people who want to deplane, you may deplane now. All you nice people who want to board, you may board now. And all you mo-f**kers pissed off about the three-hour delay, see the b*tch in the kitchen" Posted by J_U_ICE on :
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Posted by T e x on :
lol, Joosey...
like yur thinkin'
Posted by glassman on :
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Posted by bdgee on :
What's wrong with that?
Posted by Persia on :
quote:Originally posted by glassman: Friendship Between Women:
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
LMAO
Posted by Persia on :
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
Posted by Persia on :
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Posted by wdcisco on :
quote:Originally posted by Persia: Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
Whooo.hehehe...lmao!
Posted by cottonjim on :
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style"....
The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Hayward, Rice Lake, Balsam Lake, Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with Minnesota license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:
Brett Favre is Gay. Hillary in 2008. Deer hunting is murder. Go Vikings!
The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins.
Posted by glassman on :
what's the prize?
if it's enough, i'll do it. Posted by NaturalResources on :
Two old ladies, Millie and Mertle are on the way to the hairdresser. Mertle is knitting in the passenger seat when they come to an intersection with a stop sign. Without saying a word, Millie blows right through the stop sign. Mertle is a bit worried, but nothing bad happened so she doesn't say anything and keeps on knitting.
A few minutes later, they approach another stop sign, and again Millie blows right through it too. Mertle looks over at Millie and says, "Millie, what are you doing? That is the second stop sign you drove through!" Millie looks back and says "I'm driving?"
Posted by glassman on :
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
Posted by cottonjim on :
LMAO, good one glass
Posted by Lockman on :
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey what's up with the long face."
Posted by jordanreed on :
a little doggie {lets call him Jasper} was walking along a railroad track, when a train comes by and cuts off his little tail. Jasper is really depressed and bummed out. He lays his head on the tracks in despair and another train rolls by and chops off his head. The moral of the story?..Dont lose your head over a little tail.
Posted by cottonjim on :
A teacher and her class were reading the story of chicken little. They got to the part where chicken litle ran in and warned the farmer, "the sky is falling, the sky is falling." The teacher asked the class, "and what do you think the farmer said then?" She called on a little boy who had raised his hand. "I bet he said, holy sh*t, a talking chicken."
Posted by cottonjim on :
A little girl goes with her father to the barber shop. She was standing next the barber chair eating a snack cake. The barber leaned over to her and said, "sweetheart, your gonna get hair on your twinkie." "I know, I'm gonna get boobs too."
Posted by retiredat49 on :
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man we n t home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He Held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1" "2" "3" "4" "5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and Resumed counting on his other hand ................
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Northern Florida, South Delaware, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia, Georgia and Washington DC., and the Carolina's
Posted by Lockman on :
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
Posted by J_U_ICE on :
They had a schittload of kids
Posted by retiredat49 on :
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know schit?"
Posted by cottonjim on :
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Posted by Jo4321 on :
Funny!
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
..Gooooooooood One CJ!! Posted by Lockman on :
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! < B>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
HOW TO PEE POLITELY*
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you Peter, how would you say it?' Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'
Posted by T e x on :
that's funny...
Posted by retiredat49 on :
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to schit when I tell you the price.
Posted by glassman on :
i heard this today on the radio, and it's supposedly true:
A comedian's son is dying of cancer. The make a wish foundation sends over an interviewer to find out what they can do for the kid. Before the kid can respond to the main question? The Dad tells the interviewer that his kid wants to see his old man make love to Dolly Parton. The Dad says his son laughed pretty hard.
Posted by Highwaychild on :
Snort! Makin' love to Dolly...lmao!
Posted by J_U_ICE on :
It was comedian Robert Schimmel
quote:Originally posted by glassman: i heard this today on the radio, and it's supposedly true:
A comedian's son is dying of cancer. The make a wish foundation sends over an interviewer to find out what they can do for the kid. Before the kid can respond to the main question? The Dad tells the interviewer that his kid wants to see his old man make love to Dolly Parton. The Dad says his son laughed pretty hard.
Posted by glassman on :
well, that had to be a very precious laugh.
Posted by retiredat49 on :
One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag, or *****...
But this was a long time ago...
and it was just ONE day.
Posted by Lockman on :
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender turns and says you can stay just don't start anything!
Posted by T e x on :
hank of rope walks in, gets sent out...
hank comes back in, through the back door, with frizzies above the knot....
"Hey! aint you the same one I sent out?!!"
"Nope.
I'm a frayed knot..."
Posted by J_U_ICE on :
Real things said in court These are things that people actually said in court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Posted by T e x on :
That's rich...makes me think Groucho is alive and... well... oral
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
That was the best one yet JUICE...you had me laughing out loud--literally..
Posted by Ace of Spades on :
I think juice left out some answers in the middle?
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
quote:Originally posted by Ace of Spades: I think juice left out some answers in the middle?
The questions themselves--without any answers are hilarious..read them again!
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his kenis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
Posted by T e x on :
worst joke ever...seriously
please don't post anything else like that
Posted by retiredat49 on :
I agree...
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
quote:Originally posted by T e x: worst joke ever...seriously
please don't post anything else like that
LOL Are you guys serious? hmmm....
I guess it was a bit immature & sick ..
Sorry...
Posted by jordanreed on :
Hey..ITS JUST A JOKE!..settle down...it was funny!...laugh,clown,laugh
Posted by $tock Weazel on :
quote:Originally posted by jordanreed: Hey..ITS JUST A JOKE!..settle down...it was funny!...laugh,clown,laugh
Thats what I thought.. LMAO Posted by Lockman on :
How dare you make fun of a man with no arms!
Posted by Lockman on :
During a church service, a pastor asked the congregation if they had anything they wanted to share that made them thankful.
A woman stood up and said, "I'm thankful because two months ago, my husband had a terrible bicycle wreck. Jim's scrotum was smashed, he was in excruciating pain, and doctors didn't know if they could help him."
A gasp rose from the men in the congregation as they imagined poor Jim's pain.
"Jim was unable to hold me or the children," the woman continued. "Every move caused him terrible pain. Doctors performed a delicate operation to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men squirmed, imagining such surgery.
"But now," she said, "Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say his scrotum should recover completely." With that, she sat down as the men exhaled in unison.
The pastor tentatively asked, "Does anyone else have anything to say?"
A man rose and said, "Good morning. I'm Jim, and I just want to tell my wife, once again, that the word is 'sternum' not "scrotum'!"
Posted by cottonjim on :
Blind man in a biker bar . . . A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No . . . Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted by Jo4321 on :
Ha, ha! Love me some blond jokes. (and believe it or not, I am NOT blond.....)
Two blonds decide to go ice fishing. They grab their poles, and they find what they think would be a good spot. They start to cut a hole in the ice. Suddenly, they hear a booming voice from above saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, but happy with the divine intervention, they move to a different spot and begin to cut a hole in the ice. Again, they hear the voice from above saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!".
Once again, they move to find a better spot. As they begin cutting the ice at this new location, they hear the loud voice from above again saying: > > > > > > > > > > >
> >
"LISTEN, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER...AND I'M TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!!" Posted by urnso77 on :
Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.
They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons.
Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.
"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else.
"
Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper.
" Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.
Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.
"I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better.
"
Satan takes Bill to the last door.
Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.
Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me.
"
Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President.
" He looks down at Monica and says... "You can get up now, Honey.
We've finally found your replacement!"
Posted by J_U_ICE on :
LOL couldn't happen to a better guy
Posted by Lockman on :
Texas Trooper
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a ***** would have tried that crap with me!'''
Posted by T e x on :
quote:Originally posted by Lockman: Texas Trooper
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a ***** would have tried that crap with me!'''
first heard that at Skippy's Mistake, in Arlington, TX...about 20-25 years ago. Skip had all the Arlington cops laughing. Funny post...
Posted by Sunnyside on :
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A German doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks. A Russian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for four years, and now half the country is looking for work."
Posted by Pagan on :
A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts 'Yes I am!' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies 'No I haven't found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus my brother?' The drunk again answers 'No I haven't found Jesus!' By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?!'
Posted by Pagan on :
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.
A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'Did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new,' answered the hairy man.
It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here 's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady,' he replied, 'I'm 78 years old.
I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
I'm outta here!!!'
Posted by Pagan on :
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk,
he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a goddam liar. He never did any of that ****.'
Posted by Pagan on :
A woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." By now a crowd was beginning to gather.
The clerk ran away to get the store manager who asked the lady what was wrong. She explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." The crowd was growing larger.
The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such a scene and she very demurely replied, "because I like to have my nipples rubbed when I am being screwed."
The crowd exploded in applause; she walked out of the store with a complete refund and a very smug look on her face.
Posted by jordanreed on :
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
Posted by Lockman on :
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Johnny in the front row.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an Obama fan."
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?'
"Because I'm a Republican!" replied Johnny.
The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.
Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'M a Republican.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan!'
Posted by Lockman on :
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner confirmed today that we are expected to lose $30 billion of our investment in the auto industry. He admits he lost $30 billion of our money. To which Bernie Madoff goes, “Hey, I could have done better than that. Why isn’t he in jail?”
Posted by Pagan on :
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
Posted by Upside on :
Brett Favre retires (again)
Sounds like it's for real this time though. He has a fondness for fresh baked goods but apparently the greater Kiln, Mississippi area is lacking in bakeries. He plans on opening up a chain of "Favres Flour" shops throughout the south.
Their specialty will be turnovers.
Posted by jordanreed on :
his partner will be Adrian
Posted by T e x on :
Barbeaux?
Posted by jordanreed on :
she still looks good.
Posted by Pagan on :
Does age equal wisdom?
These three guys (two younger and one older) always go golfing together every Sunday morning. They're just about to get up on the tee when the club pro walks up and tells them that there's a woman who is golfing by herself and he asks if they would mind if she played along with them. They thought about it and reluctantly said "Sure, no problem."
They were hoping the woman wouldn't slow up their game but once they start playing they soon realize that she is a hell of a golfer. Better, in fact, than each of them. Not only that, she's extremely attractive as well.
They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three men,
"You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman. This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to make this putt, I'll give you a blow job."
The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left edge."
The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think it's right edge."
The older guy walks over and picks up the ball, tosses it to the woman and says, "It's a gimmie."
Posted by T e x on :
I like that one, no matter the setup--sometimes it's a pro giving lessons.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[BadOne]](graemlins/headbash.gif)
![[Confused]](confused.gif)
LMAO