1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're instant and made with skim milk. If so, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When do you ever get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
posted
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Dumb Nebraska Laws # If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested. # It is Illegal to go whale fishing. # It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. # It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Chico CA (a beautiful little city) # Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
[This message has been edited by glassman (edited December 10, 2004).]
The Grand Ayatolah and George W. Bush meet up in Teheran for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Ayatolahs chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Ayatolah presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as The Ayatola laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Ayatolah laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iranian. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and The Ayatolah flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Ayatolah notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Ayatolah ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Ayatolah jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, The Grand Ayatolah jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Ayatolah. "I'm going back to Teheran!"
Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Teheran?"
[This message has been edited by glassman (edited December 11, 2004).]
posted
I think this is clean enough...it is a shower joke
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with added botanicals. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 3 minutes until glowy pink. Wash entire rest of body with gingerbread scrub. Rinse conditioner out of hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-hoo" sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose into your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-hoo" sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"
[This message has been edited by glassman (edited December 15, 2004).]
posted
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a b!tch tonight, Roger!"
posted
>>Deer hunting One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses >>quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and >>goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite >>hunting area. >> >>He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really >>pouring down, It's a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed >>in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. >> >>He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He >>finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so, he puts his truck in >>the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. >> >>There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different >>anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." >> >>To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out >>hunting in that stuff?" >
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An old man, named Glass, lived alone in the Country. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred
At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That sameday the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Alabama Arkansas Kansas Oklahoma Texas North Carolina South Carolina Georgia Tennessee Idaho Missouri Mississippi Montana Louisiana Virginia West Virginia Wyoming Kentucky parts of Florida
posted
given the recent past, porn attacks, bad data feeds, goofball-spammers, bearish quakes, frustration, multi-aliases, yada yada: thought it might be appropriate to revive this thread...
here's one:
quote:Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, newly promoted colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Unable to control the impulse to impress, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then spoke into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling sufficiently entrenched, the colonel hung up and looked over his glasses: "Speak up, son, what do you need?"
*pause while options are considered*
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
there's some good ol' chestnuts in here...
-------------------- Nashoba Holba Chepulechi Adventures in microcapitalism...
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is now complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have! some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites ! where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is ! on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
We are tired of the one-way highway.
It is time for ! America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
-------------------- Damn, if he wasn't right.
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Tex, I hope this makes up for my last bad joke.
This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."
-------------------- Damn, if he wasn't right.
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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Young couple want to join old, strict church in their town, so they go to newcomers' meeting. There they meet the Smiths and Jones, respectively...each a generation older. Preacher comes out and says, "We are old school--to be considered you must abstain the next two weeks." The Smiths look at each other with question marks for expressions, the Joneses-- 2 gens ahead of our young couple--simply smile. Our youngsters are anxious, but game to try...
The two weeks pass, and at the next meeting, the pastor asks, Well, how did you do?"
The Jones couple nods, smiles: "We had no problem whatsoever."
The Smiths: "Well, it was tough...but we managed.
Our younglings are crestfallen--after an awkward pause, the husband explains: "Well, we had a remodel project so we focused on that, and nearly made it! BUT, then, she bent over to pick up some paint, and THERE IT WAS--i couldn't resist, anymore! I took here then and there."
Preacher: "I'm sorry, but you will not be invited to our church."
Silence.
Finally, she says:
"Oh, don't feel bad, preacher--they won't let us back in Home Depot, either..."
-------------------- Nashoba Holba Chepulechi Adventures in microcapitalism...
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....
A r e - m y - te s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
-------------------- The light of truth is blinding to most.
More comforting to look only at the shadows of falseness.
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one of them was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooo!," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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two blondes (aggies, whatever) walking the same direction, on opposite side of the street. One yells to the other, "Hey! How do you get to the other side of the street?!?!!!"
reply?
"DUH! you *ARE* on the other side!"
-------------------- Nashoba Holba Chepulechi Adventures in microcapitalism...
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Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates. It had been a particularly busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about fullup at the moment so we're only going to admit people who've had particularly horrible deaths. What's your story?"
The first one replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me, so today I came home early to try and catch her. As I came to my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching couldn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. So I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back to my apartment, got a hammer, and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell, but he fell in the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. My wife, angry that I had killed him, came out to the balcony and shot me to death."
"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said St Peter, so he let the man in.
"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every afternoon I exercise on the balcony. Well today I fell off the balcony, but luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below. Suddenly, this madman ran out of his apartment and started kicking and beating me. Then he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers. I fell, but landed in the bushes, stunned but unharmed. Then a refridgerator fell out of the sky and landed on me, killing me."
St Peter said, "Wow, you had a horrible death, okay go into Heaven."
The third man said, "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refridgerator..."
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too short!"
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you'd be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one!!!"
-------------------- Damn, if he wasn't right.
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