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Posted by tigertony on :

The Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, visited Washington DC.
President
Bush took him out on a yacht for an afternoon of sailing on the
Potomac.
They were admiring the sights when all of a sudden, Mr. Sharon's
yarmulka
(kippah) blows off his head and out onto the water. The Secret service
guys
start
to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off saying, "Wait,
wait,
I'll take care of this. Don't worry!"
President Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of water and
walks
out to the Prime Minister's kippah, bends over, picks it up and then
walks
back
to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the kippah to the Prime
Minister
amid stunned silence.
The next day on CBS News, Dan Rather reports: "BUSH CAN'T SWIM!"

Posted by tigertony on :

For Glassman,LOL

A man dies and goes to heaven. He looks around the white fluff, and
notices thousands of clocks all about, all set at different times.
He reaches the gates, and asks St.Peter, what's with all the clocks.
He replies, "They're lie clocks, everytime someone lies, the hands
move a little, every human had one."

The man points at one and asks, "Who's is that?" St.Peter replies,
"Mother Teresa's, it still at twelve o'clock, meaning she never lied
in her whole life."

"Who clock is that?" "Abraham Lincoln's, it's at 12:02, he only lied
twice in his entire life."

The man wonders, "Where's George W. Bushes clock?" St.Peter replies,
"In Jesus' office, he using it as a ceiling fan."

Posted by tigertony on :

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her
what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a
shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to
your other ear?" "The son of a @#$% called back."

Posted by tigertony on :

AN ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME

There will be no nursing home in my future.........When I get old and
feeble,
I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a
nursing
home is $200 per day. I have checked with the reservations office at
Princess
and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135
per day.
That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant,
or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed
every day
of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra
$10
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask
for
them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If
you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to
a suite
for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to
go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing
home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side
at no
charge.
Sign me up LOL

Posted by tigertony on :

New Computer Viruses,

Watch out for these new viruses - neither Symantec nor McAfee have
solutions as yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses
of
mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored
memory.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an
old
floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, and
then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafucco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy... then discards it through Windows

Posted by Kate on :

http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf

Posted by Bob Frey on :

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He
spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not the president, and does not
reside here.

" The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not the president, and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying, "I! would like to go in and meet with
president Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Kerry, I've told you that Mr. Kerry is not the
president and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand, I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow , Sir."

Posted by ohdagagain on :

TRAVEL REMINDER
>
>
>
>We at Carnival Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President.
>
>With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!
>
>Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner(apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of al! l US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
>
>You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq or some similar sunny location.
>
>The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
>
>Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS.
>
>Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
>
>Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser (the guy in charge of managing the money). "Teh-RAY-sah" Heinz Kerry hopefully will be shoved somewhere below decks away from the media.
>
>Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl". Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by Michae! l Moore.
>
>John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past ex perience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing.
>
>Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his experience in rescuing people from drowning has not been too successful.
>
>Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will give inspirational talks each afternoon.
>
>If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
>
>"Bon Voyage!"

Posted by tigertony on :

LOL

Posted by futuresobjective on :

Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like a Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

Posted by tigertony on :

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride, knowing that there could
only be
one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a
moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you
should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life,
and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old
friend and let him/her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait
for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, even though he got the job with this lofty and honorable
answer, it
wasn't the correct answer. For the correct answer, scroll down.

The correct answer is:
to run over the old lady and put her out of her misery,
have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,
and then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings.

Posted by glassman on :

Subject: FW: No Spikka Inglish

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Posted by tigertony on :

LOL

Posted by ohdagagain on :

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?' The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "a Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Posted by Kate on :

Subject: Entrance Examination

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and
Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling
up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll
give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter."How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that
and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd. . . ...."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and
final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Posted by ohdagagain on :

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be
six again", was her reply. On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to
Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of
the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn,
a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again? "Her eyes slowly
opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you
dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

Posted by tigertony on :

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JOHN KERRY
I voted to support the chicken crossing the road before I voted
against the chicken. I do not believe the chicken should have crossed
the road without the support of the French, Germans, and United
Nations. Did I mention I have three Purple Hearts?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't need to know why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that
somebody out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build
a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

Posted by tigertony on :

Invitation

You are Invited!!!!!
Due to the cancellation of the Inaugural Ball for Senator Kerry...There
will
be a small Suare' (pity party) for those who have already bought their
attire.
The nights entertainment will be provided by the DIXIE CHICKS & Bruce
Springsteen
Tissues for excessive self pity will be furnished by Susan Sarrandon
and Tim Robbins
We are pleased to announce DAN RATHER will be our Master of
ceremonies!!!
Yeah!!!!
Cameron Diaz has pledged CUPCAKES!!
Whats this?....a Free Screening of Fahrenheit 911! Thank you Michael
Moore.
Ashton Kutcher will sign his latest book..."I open my mouth...and
stupid falls out"
P Diddy will not be in attendance, he is still trying to get the vote
out.
If you see him tell him that he was not "disenfranchised" from this
event. He
can come home now.
Barbara Streisand is preparing for her next role and will not be here,
(boo hoo),
she will be starring as Teresa Heinz Kerry in the sad story of " Shove
it"
Just in.....Grapes will be provided by the Heinz Corporation....Sorry,
only
SOUR available.
The Reverend Jesse Jackson will be cooking on the BBQ and John Kerry
will be
flippin the burgers...something he has proven to be very good at. Lots
of
Ketchup folks, the white house has donated thousands of bottles,
relish, mustard,
and all the pickles too. when asked why the generosity? The spokesman
for the
Bush Household told us.....We have switched to DelMonte thank you very
much.
Attention all actors: Norman Lear is casting for his new television
show
"Fahrenheit 11-2-04 how'd the GOP do that?"
Hope to see you all there...not much else going on.
HILLARY

Posted by keithsan on :

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also,
since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new
one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and bull****
with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need
him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like
it

Posted by futuresobjective on :

quote:
Originally posted by tigertony:
Why did the chicken cross the road?

ROFLMAO, that made me laugh more that I think it should have... funny ... thanks... my favorite is al gore... lol

Posted by Upside on :

A guy walks into a bar with a sheep on his.... ahh, better not. I'll probably get myself banned.

Posted by tigertony on :

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(I must admit, it's pretty good,

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!!

Posted by glassman on :

Tony, sounds like you had a great thanksgiving tooooooo...LOL

my brother passed this one on to me when we were finally chased out of the house Thurs. evening...

If a man is alone in the woods and there is no one there to hear, is he still wrong?????

Posted by tigertony on :

Hope you had a good holiday.And if you ask a woman she would say yes you would still be wrong.LOL

Posted by glassman on :

some do.......but only the dumb ones....hi ho

Posted by Kate on :

Well Tony, I agree with most of them, except for the asking for directions one!

I know we've gotten lost, or were late, because one of us, (not me) didn't want to stop and ask for directions! And Glass, Yes, because if the tree falls, and no one is there to hear it, it still makes noise, so yes, you would be wrong!

Posted by glassman on :

but Kate, i didn't even SAY anything....LOL

Posted by Kate on :

Doesn't matter; you're a man aren't you? Hehe!

Posted by glassman on :

yes, i mean wooff woof oink oink...LOL

Posted by TradingWizard on :

Bank Loan

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Posted by Kate on :

Diary of a Deer Hunter
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.

Posted by ohdagagain on :

THE TIGHT SKIRT
>
> In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
> waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it
> was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
> allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
> Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
> behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
> enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to
> discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
> reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second
time
> attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not
> raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
> to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this
> time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the
> waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
> turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I
> don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,
> normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times,
> I kinda figured we was friends."

Posted by Kate on :

Kate's First Day, Hunting Day

Yes, it's a joke!

4:30 am. Got awakened by hubby, dropping something very loudly in bathroom! Decided to drag myself out of bed, before he came yelling for me to get up! Got dressed!

4:40 am. Trying to find a backpack, to carry all of my stuff in, because for some reason, I've got tons of stuff to carry, and not enough pockets! Asked Hubby, and he doesn't know where it is, because I am always putting things away! Digging and searching!

4:45 am. Found backpack! Emptied old deer antlers, bit's of garbage and stuff, from hubbys archery hunting, and put in new stuff, including snackies,shells, soda, flashlight, and a book, (don't know why) and wondering what kinds of deer lures are lurking in the fabrics with my snackies! Hmmmmmmmm!

4:46 am. Dressed, with clothes, hat and coats, and ready to go, but decide I'd better take a bathroom break, because women are different than men, (duh) and it isn't very convenient in the woods, giving the other hunters a peep show, so off goes some of the clothes again!

5:00 am. Fully dressed, and trying to get my big huge boots on my feet! Bought them, because they are comfortable, and well insulated, so my feet should be nice and dry and warm!

5:05 am. Headed to truck, and trying to find enough room to sit on the seat, with hubbys coat, gun, and other stuff, sliding onto my side, and trying to keep my gun from banging into his, as we pull out of the driveway! (Had a nightmare the day we shot them in, dropped my gun and scope on floor, because the strap broke, and had hubby flip out, upset, poor hubby, because it wouldn't even hit the target, but he tightened the screws in the mounts next day, and thank the Lord, it was fixed, sigh!)

5:20 am. Trudging behind hubby in the dark, up the side of the mountain, to get to our spots, and wishing I swore, because the big stupid, warm, comfortable boots, were keeping my ankles from moving, and along with the added weight of the extra clothes, backpack full of goodies, hot seat, and rifle, was having a terrible time walking! Hubby had to stop every twenty steps or so, and wait for old huffing and puffing! Geech! Got to my spot, and was never so glad to sit down, until hubby left me there in the dark, and I remembered the fact that the neighbors said someone saw a mountain lion in the area! Also some bear! Great!

5:30 am. to 2:00 pm, sitting and shivering out in the woods, and not seeing any deer, at all, because the only ones that came near me that day,( I could hear them running) ran up past hubby, who was sitting in HIS spot, and he shot a doe! Watched several hunters, walking around our spots, scaring any potential deer away, and wondering why we were still there! Sitting there, shelling peanuts, throwing the hulls at each other! Getting bored!

2:00 pm. Walked out of the woods, behind hubby and the dead deer,loaded it up in truck, (with help from one of the annoying hunters) he was nice, I grudgingly say, and came home!

5:00 pm. After hanging up deer, hubby skinning and cleaning the meat, and me making soup out of Thanksgiving left overs, we ate supper, and decided to play Deer Hunter 2005 edition on our computers! It's warmer, safer, and you always see something!

Posted by glassman on :

Kate, not sure why you would be nervous about the bears and puma's....LOL you're the one that's got the rifle.....heehee

the bears and puma's? they are foreal...

i saw a puma (dead) on the side of the road on 81 just south of Winchester the Sat after T'giving....
they finally opened bear season back up in Md cuz there are too many, and then they shut it down early cuz they got so many so fast.....
course, i don't see much thrill in taking one with his head stuck in in the garbage can museff.......

Posted by Kate on :

Yes, they are definately real here, and how would I shoot them, in the dark?

Posted by glassman on :

well, a bear? he/she probably smells those twinkies in your pockets.....
that might trigger an "attack" LOL

but the cats? they can smell the gun oil on your rifle i bet.....

sounds like you had fun....

Posted by Ric on :

You know how to get a red neck to invest in the stock market, take Nascar public.

Ric

Posted by glassman on :

they tried that with NHRA---some diamond comapny is running a car off of it...LOL

Posted by keithsan on :

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're instant and made
with skim milk. If so, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When do you ever get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the
corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what
a ride!"

Posted by glassman on :

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Dumb Nebraska Laws
# If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
# It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
# It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
# It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.

Chico CA (a beautiful little city)
# Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

[This message has been edited by glassman (edited December 10, 2004).]

Posted by glassman on :

A setback in Iranian-American relations

The Grand Ayatolah and George W. Bush meet up in Teheran for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Ayatolahs chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Ayatolah presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as The Ayatola laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Ayatolah laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iranian. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and The Ayatolah flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Ayatolah notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Ayatolah ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Ayatolah jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, The Grand Ayatolah jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Ayatolah. "I'm going back to Teheran!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Teheran?"

[This message has been edited by glassman (edited December 11, 2004).]

Posted by keithsan on :

I think this is clean enough...it is a shower joke

How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit ups/leg lifts, etc. Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with added botanicals.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 3 minutes until glowy pink.
Wash entire rest of body with gingerbread scrub.
Rinse conditioner out of hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-hoo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose into your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the "woo-hoo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Posted by glassman on :

111,111,111 X 111,111,111=

12,345,678,987,654,321

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000." The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single dime!"

[This message has been edited by glassman (edited December 15, 2004).]

Posted by glassman on :

Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."

They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?" His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.

At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a b!tch tonight, Roger!"

Posted by ohdagagain on :

>>Deer hunting One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses
>>quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and
>>goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite
>>hunting area.
>>
>>He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really
>>pouring down, It's a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed
>>in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH.
>>
>>He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He
>>finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so, he puts his truck in
>>the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
>>
>>There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
>>anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible."
>>
>>To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
>>hunting in that stuff?"
>

Posted by ohdagagain on :

An old man, named Glass, lived alone in the Country. He wanted to dig his potato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over; you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I
buried the BODIES.

Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That sameday the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.

Love, Fred

Posted by glassman on :

goood one....

Posted by ohdagagain on :

How to say I love you in 27 languages

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai ****e Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Wyoming
Kentucky
parts of Florida

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

Posted by BuyTex on :

given the recent past, porn attacks, bad data feeds, goofball-spammers, bearish quakes, frustration, multi-aliases, yada yada: thought it might be appropriate to revive this thread...

here's one:

quote:
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, newly promoted colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Unable to control the impulse to impress, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then spoke into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling sufficiently entrenched, the colonel hung up and looked over his glasses: "Speak up, son, what do you need?"

*pause while options are considered*

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied,
"I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

there's some good ol' chestnuts in here...

Posted by Pagan on :

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

Posted by ohdagagain on :

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans:
As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is now complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American
forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries
which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short.
The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the
world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe
China.

To Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for negotiations. They have! some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites ! where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious
Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is ! on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA
treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway.

It is time for ! America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the
world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

God bless America.
Thank you and good night.

Posted by BuyTex on :

ohdag, love you bro, but missed the joke...??? did you intend to post on one of the poly-sci forums?

Posted by ohdagagain on :

Tex, I thought it was full of jokes, I appologize it didn't amuse you. I found it humorous.

Posted by ohdagagain on :

Tex, I hope this makes up for my last bad joke.

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

Posted by Purl Gurl on :

Did you hear Mickey Mouse is divorcing Minnie Mouse?

Yeah, Mickey thinks Minnie is F'n Goofy.

Posted by ohdagagain on :

Q. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A. They were dating the same girl in high school.

Posted by glassman on :

quote:
Originally posted by ohdagagain:
Q. How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A. They were dating the same girl in high school.

that bill sure is a lucky guy [Wink]

Posted by ohdagagain on :

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Posted by BuyTex on :

I like stories with a moral.

Now, for morale vis a vis general mayhem:

Young couple want to join old, strict church in their town, so they go to newcomers' meeting. There they meet the Smiths and Jones, respectively...each a generation older. Preacher comes out and says, "We are old school--to be considered you must abstain the next two weeks."
The Smiths look at each other with question marks for expressions, the Joneses-- 2 gens ahead of our young couple--simply smile. Our youngsters are anxious, but game to try...

The two weeks pass, and at the next meeting, the pastor asks, Well, how did you do?"

The Jones couple nods, smiles: "We had no problem whatsoever."

The Smiths: "Well, it was tough...but we managed.

Our younglings are crestfallen--after an awkward pause, the husband explains: "Well, we had a remodel project so we focused on that, and nearly made it! BUT, then, she bent over to pick up some paint, and THERE IT WAS--i couldn't resist, anymore! I took here then and there."

Preacher: "I'm sorry, but you will not be invited to our church."

Silence.

Finally, she says:

"Oh, don't feel bad, preacher--they won't let us back in Home Depot, either..."

Posted by Pagan on :

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then,
she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.....

A r e - m y - te s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Posted by Art on :

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

Posted by Pagan on :

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one of them was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooo!," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

Posted by BuyTex on :

Pagan,

two blondes (aggies, whatever) walking the same direction, on opposite side of the street. One yells to the other, "Hey! How do you get to the other side of the street?!?!!!"

reply?

"DUH! you *ARE* on the other side!"

Posted by Pagan on :

Here's a good one Tex...

Q: Why are blond's belly-buttons black and blue?

A: Blond guys are stupid too.

Posted by BuyTex on :

how come men tell blonde jokes?

They understand them!

ha, always liked that one, too...

good stuff, Pagan...tomorrow I won't have worked 14-15 hours as I did today and will post Johnny Carson's favorite joke...

I like this thread...'specially during the summer "doldrums"...

Posted by Pagan on :

Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates. It had been a particularly busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about fullup at the moment so we're only going to admit people who've had particularly horrible deaths. What's your story?"

The first one replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me, so today I came home early to try and catch her. As I came to my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching couldn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. So I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back to my apartment, got a hammer, and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell, but he fell in the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. My wife, angry that I had killed him, came out to the balcony and shot me to death."

"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said St Peter, so he let the man in.

"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every afternoon I exercise on the balcony. Well today I fell off the balcony, but luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below. Suddenly, this madman ran out of his apartment and started kicking and beating me. Then he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers. I fell, but landed in the bushes, stunned but unharmed. Then a refridgerator fell out of the sky and landed on me, killing me."

St Peter said, "Wow, you had a horrible death, okay go into Heaven."

The third man said, "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refridgerator..."

Posted by Pagan on :

One day Superman was flying around the city when he spotted WonderWoman lying on the ground with her legs spread wide open and in the nude!

Superman was horny, so he decided to fly down and give Wonderwoman a good shag.

After 15 minutes, Superman had finished his business and then flew off to look for more insatiable women.

Then Wonderwoman, still lying on the ground, shouts "What the f*ck was that?"

Then the Invisible man says "I don't know, but my @ss really hurts!"

Posted by Dustoff101 on :

Pagan Pagan, ROGLMAO LOL

Posted by ohdagagain on :

A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo
of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.
He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose
look too short!"

Posted by ohdagagain on :

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and
proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my
little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you'd be able to
swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one!!!"

Posted by Lockman on :

How It Works

Once upon a time a man told a small village, "I will buy monkeys for $10 each."

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to $50, but announced, "Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf."

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, "My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50."

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere...

... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

Posted by glassman on :

darn it Lockman PM was supposed to have to learn that the hard way. idunno tho, based on his posting patterns and his stubbornness? maybe he will still have to anyway [Big Grin]