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Message from Santa Clause re: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, and Texas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of earth, my contract was renegotiated by Noth American Fairies Inc. (stock symbol NAF)and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with you local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Clause. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Clause. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Clause prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie is good) on the fire place. And Bubba Clause doesn't smoke a pipe. He chaws tobacco, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy- eared flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now hangs over Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cuped, on Donner and Blitzen (oops, scratch Blitzen). Instead, when Bubba Clause arrives you'll hear "On Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "ho, Ho, HO" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's Elves resond, "I her'd dat." 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back, and it has the words "Back Off" added to it. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Clause and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. But even though there are some differences, I'm sure that you will be pleased with Bubba Claus' performance. There is one thing that I would like to add, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt, so make sure that the wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
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It's always good to poke fun at ourselves. I just wanted to add that Bubba Clause says that he wishes all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And by the way, he says that while it is true that the toy making facilities are being outsourced to India, that the Chinese have indicated they would also like to be considered in any future outsourcing. Maybe there is a stock in a Chinese toy factory that we can do DD on.
Posts: 580 | Registered: Oct 2003
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