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An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'.
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!!
"Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as 'Your Honor'.
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the f*cking Italian'!"
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says, " I just let go of a silent fart; what do you think I should do?"
The husband replies," Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
-------------------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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A couple of nuns decided to put a fresh coat of paint on the inside walls of their convent. As they were painting they noticed their multiple layers of clothes were getting drops of paint on them and decided to take them off.
Giggling and painting in the nude they were startled with a knock at the door. "Who is it?" asked one of the nuns. A voice responded, "A blind man."
Looking at eachother they smiled and thought it would be funny to let him in.
As the naked nuns opened the door the man said, "Wow! nice jugs ladies, now where do you want the blinds?"
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An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. It was their 50th wedding anniversary.
The wife says, "remember when we were first married, we used to sit at the table nude. Oh, we had so much fun... it made my nipples so hot when we did that!" "Can we do that again?" says the wife.
Reluctantly, the husband says yes, and they undress and sit back down at the table. A minute later, the wife says, "Oh honey, my nipples are getting hot again just like they used to!"
The husband says, "Well dear, that's because one of them is in your oatmeal and the other's in your coffee..."
-------------------- Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth -- Proverbs 27:1
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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An older couple were laying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth."
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