Commander Gilmore If there were awards for Tag-Team Dummy-Duo Stupid Crooks of the Month, John Parker and Rick Owens would be our top nominees. Now, this is an award we at Shooting Industry take very seriously. We have a certain standard to uphold, and it is most challenging to sort through all the highly qualified candidates. Did I just write, "most challenging"? I say, that is most impressive. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Parker and Owens.
[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]
These two mental midgets were arrested while sitting in their car in a Wal-Mart parking lot in Athens, Texas. Several Wal-Mart customers called the police to report they had walked past the car and watched as Johnny and Ricky were calmly cutting individual counterfeit U.S. bills out of larger sheets of currency.
It turned out they had just printed them, and couldn't wait to go shopping. Of course, they just had to stop and cut the bills out before going inside--which is sorta smart, really, and almost disqualified them being nominated for our award. If they had tried to pay with an entire sheet of bills, now, that would have made them slam-dunk winners!
Monthly Honor
The Stupid Crook of the Month award goes to, hands down, Knute Falk, who stuck up a Bank of America branch in Beaverton, Ore. True, he brought his own mask, gun and bag, but he sorta forgot to bring along a getaway car. Knute's robbery was proceeding pretty A-Okay until he remembered that little oversight, and stopped to shake one of the bank customers down for his car keys.
Jingling the keys, he fled out the door. He probably would have gotten away, too, because he'd kept his mask pulled down, avoided the surveillance cameras, didn't touch anything to leave fingerprints, and the police were responding from a distance. But, then he wouldn't have made our Stupid Crook of the Month honor list.
A few minutes after leaving the bank, Knute came back in to ask the astounded customer which key opens the car door. And, he wasn't wearing his mask. Okay, now all together: "Duh!"
Underdressed Cops
When four armed bandits road-blocked a bus fulla dudes on a lonely highway in Brazil, they were tickled to find, instead of poverty-stricken peasants, 46 cash-loaded men on their way to a big athletic competition in Salvador. The bandits commenced gleefully relieving the lads of their wallets, watches, cell-phones, rings, and badges. Badges?!
Yep, it was 46 cops from Paraiba, all decked out in sports gear, but not one of 'em packin' a roscoe. Reports were unclear as to why, but it seems they were trying to avoid having their guns stolen while they were competing. Then, of course, they may have figured the festivities might get too festive, and the presence of guns might lead to certain social problems--the kind that get young cops fired.
In any case, they were sidearm-short, pistol-deprived, and the crooks loved every minute of it. Fortunately, they weren't interested in settling old grudges, if they had any. They just filled their sacks with loot, including the officers' fancy athletic duds, then left 'em shamefaced and sheared at the side of the road.
An embarrassed police spokesman noted there was no great public outcry to catch the suspects because, he suspected, "most people just thought it was pretty funny."
Sweet And Dum
After the burglary of a bank in Marked Tree, Ark., police determined the thief failed to get into the vault, but stole a clock radio, a CD player and a handful of Dum-Dum candies the bank keeps on hand for customers' children. One of the officers remembered seeing a Dum-Dum wrapper on the ground outside.
A few wrappers had blown away, but there were enough scattered along the burglar's escape route to lead cops down the street, across some railroad tracks, and into a mobile home park. They then led the cops straight to Michael Brown, 33, a sweet-toothed crook who will be paying for treats from the prison candy cart for a while.
Assault Fish Sticks
To our knowledge--which is prodigious, by the way--Roxanne Perez, of San Antonio, is the first person who's ever been shot by a fish stick. Well, that's what she thought at first, anyway. Did I just write "prodigious"? Whoa, break out those dictionaries!
A few weeks before the fish-related shooting, one of Roxy's friends stopped by her place packin' a .357 Magnum revolver. Roxanne patiently but pointedly explained her "no guns in the house" rule, and looked the other way while her pal made it disappear. She should have paid more attention.
About 14 days later, Roxy tossed some frozen fish sticks on a tray, popped 'em in the oven, cranked it up to 350, and bustled about doing other kitchen chores. All was going well and dinner-smells filled the air when the oven started making loud "bang!" sounds. A hole appeared in the door and Roxy took a slug in the leg. Fire-fighters pulled the overdone fish sticks--and a red-hot revolver--out of the stove.
We don't know if Roxy had ever won a "cook-off," but we know she lost this one. No charges were filed, and the police chalked it up to "stupid fish-stick tricks."
Non-Rapid Getaway
State Police in Maine reported they were chasing a fleeing crook on foot when he suddenly spotted an unoccupied car, leaped into it, found the key conveniently stuck in the ignition, and--almost got away.
Oh, the suspect dropped the gearbox into "drive" and put the pedal to the metal, all right. And yeah, the engine screamed and the wheels spun madly, all right. But, as the crook watched in horror, his pursuers kinda slowed down to an amble, sorta chuckled, and walked right up to the car window. Apparently, Mr. Mighty Brainless didn't figure it out until the troopers pulled him out and cuffed him. The owner of the car had been working on it, and the car was up on jack-stands. Hate when that happens!
Got a humorous tid-bit you'd like to share? Heard a good one from a friend or read a weird item? Share it with the rest of the shooting industry through "Back Blast." Send newspaper clippings, jot your story on the "Back Blast" form inserted in this magazine, or send your yarn in on a sheet of your company's letterhead. We'll send them by armed courier to Commander Gilmore. If he uses your submission, we'll send you a Shooting Industry "Back Blast & Other Hot Gases" T-shirt (Wow? Such a deal!). Please indicate your T-shirt size.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Publishers' Development Corporation COPYRIGHT 2008 Gale, Cengage Learning
Posts: 6008 | From: phoenix az | Registered: Mar 2005
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Maybe I'm slow today or something, but I'm not quite getting the Topic headline as to how it relates to what you posted. I mean it's a funny post, but did you know one of these guys or something?
-------------------- When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross. Sinclair Lewis Posts: 2166 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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I knew Knute Falk and he had been planning to Rob this Bank b.o.a. since 1967 was just waiting for the right time thats 30 years in the planning stage and he forgets the getaway car or a wheel man
Posts: 6008 | From: phoenix az | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by bond006: I knew Knute Falk and he had been planning to Rob this Bank b.o.a. since 1967 was just waiting for the right time thats 30 years in the planning stage and he forgets the getaway car or a wheel man
ROFLMAO! That's crazy. I knew I was missing something.
-------------------- When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross. Sinclair Lewis Posts: 2166 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005
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