i just thought it might be a good idea to have this topic to give you a time out and make you laugh!
feel free to post your jokes here too!
Posted by bousbous55 on :
The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.
After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger says "sorry" again and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
Posted by bousbous55 on :
well here's another one if it doesn't get me kicked out: A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Posted by Bob Frey on :
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never letitbe said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantasis the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replacedleft inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believablelevel.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget Posted by PJ on :
that's hilarious, thanks for the laff Posted by Osiris on :
yeah, I needed that! Hows everyone doing today by the way? slow day, but K had 60%+ picks today!
Posted by Velveeta on :
Ilaughed so hard that I cryed. They were great. Keep them coming.
Posted by Dakota on :
Sorry Blond Persons.......but
Blond calls fire department and says franticly, "Please, come quick, hurry, my kitchens on fire, my house is burning to the ground, we're all going to die".
The fireman says, "Calm down lady", then the fireman asked, "How do we get there"?
To which the Blond replies, "Well DUH, In the big red truck".
Posted by bousbous55 on :
glad to see this helping everybody, sorry blonde people, here is another 1 !
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.
The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.
She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
Posted by bousbous55 on :
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
Posted by Marty on :
LOL! Thanks for sharing!
Posted by bousbous55 on :
well this is my good night to you all, enjoy
Dumb Kentucky Laws Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1974)
No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored; nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits; nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)
No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893; Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1)
Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection withany religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.).
It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.
All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the
apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922; Repealed in 1948)
Lexington It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
Owensboro A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission
Posted by bousbous55 on :
just one to start of the day.
Never say it at work TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
Posted by bousbous55 on :
somebody please tell me a joke, i need to hear one, crapy day. Posted by Ric on :
you know you're from California if:
> 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible. > > 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. > > 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a > conversation in English. > > 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and > is named Flower. > > 5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal? > > 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm > donor. > > 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are > grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. > > 8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? > > 9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears. > > 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. > > 11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball > cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George > Clooney. > > 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. > > 13. You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal? > > 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: > "STORM WATCH." > > 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all > busy with their cells or pagers. > > 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour > early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. > > 17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal???? > > 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists. > > 19. The Terminator is your governor. > > 20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, > they want to give you one
Posted by lilpennypincher on :
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.
Thought for the day . . . There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Posted by Pagan on :
Tooo funny lilpenny...and oh so true!!!
Posted by lilpennypincher on :
And yes.........I do these things. LOL
Fun things to do in Walmart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?".
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,"I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
13. Put M&M's on layaway.
14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud...Hey, we're out of toliet paper in here!
Posted by lilpennypincher on :
I'm on a roll bousbous.
TO: All Employees FROM: Human Resources SUBJECT: Foul Language DATE: February 28, 2000 It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the %uck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No #ucking way
TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be $hitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a $hit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a $hit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my #ucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the #uck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This $hit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a$$.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a$$.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: #uck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a$$.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another #ucking meeting!
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a $hit.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting #itch
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the #uck you're doing.
Thank You, Human Resources
Yea, that was bad.....
Posted by lilpennypincher on :
OK..... ONE MORE.
CHEERIO'S ANYONE??
A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."
Posted by crazy8 on :
your on a roll lil..
Posted by SMC on :
A man did such a great deed, God granted him one request, which would be fulfilled. The man was afraid to fly and had always wanted to visit Hawaii, so he requested that a bridge be built from California to Hawaii.
God responded, say that “Building a bridge would take a tremendous effort, use much needed valuable resources and was kind of a selfish request”.
The man agreed and after giving it some thought, felt that a better request would be to ask God to help him understand women, since the man had always struggled with relationships. The man requested that God help him to understand why women feel the way they do, why they cry, laugh, feel sensitivity to others, why the get angry, just what it is that make women tick.
God thought about the request, and then responded to the man; “Would you like two lanes or four?"
Posted by bousbous55 on :
lol. these are kind of stupid but still funny
Yo mama so hairy you almost died of rugburn at birth! Yo mama so hairy she look like she got Buchwheat in a headlock.
Yo mama so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo mama so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
Posted by bousbous55 on :
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Posted by Ktrain420 on :
SIGN'S YOU HAVE GROWN UP...................................
1. Your house plants are alive and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM! 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach 19 If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.
Posted by Ktrain420 on :
Subject: The Polish Divorce.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".
Posted by Ktrain420 on :
Humor - Perspective
Have things gotcha Down? Are ya havin' a Bad Day???? Well, then, consider this...............................
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better????
Posted by crazy8 on :
Funny Sh&t Ktrain i`m hurting over here,, mainly the first one you posted even my mom`s hurting laughing at these ...........
Posted by BT on :
Why did Michael Jackson go to WalMart? . . . . . Because he heard the boys pants were half off.
Posted by BT on :
Did you hear about the new Michael Jackson sandwich? It's called the McJackson.
It's 46 yr old meat on 13 year old buns.
Posted by Upside on :
Since these have taken on a risque tone:
An Eskimo is driving home on his snowmobile through a blinding snowstorm. Halfway home the snowmobile stalls out. He manages to get it started again but it just barely runs, sputtering and misfiring. He manages to limp it through the blizzard to the local mechanic. As the mechanic is looking over the engine the Eskimo asks him what he thinks is wrong with it. The mechanic looks up at him and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The Eskimo replies "no, thats just frost on my beard."
Posted by Ktrain420 on :
UPSIDE AND BT........THOSE ARE GOOD ONE'S
Posted by Marty on :
LOL! Too funny....here's some more risque stuff:
Q: What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A: A brunette with bad breath.
Q: What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? A: Perri-air.
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? A: Her feet!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill? A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....? A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the busty waitress (reading her nametag) ? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door.
Posted by Ric on :
ANSWERING MACHINE AT A PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline..." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0.
If you have Bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down &cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Posted by Dakota on :
Mickey Mouse was standing before the Judge.
The Judge says, "Now Mickey, let me get this straight. "You want a divorce from Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?
Mickey replied, "No your honor, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fu**ing Goofy".
(I may loose a star over that one)
Posted by Upside on :
Might lose your membership. Pretty funny though!
Posted by Rich735 on :
Why don't blondes double there recipes?? Because there oven doesn't go up to 700 degrees!!!
Posted by pistachio on :
three dogs see a cute little poodle..they all want her she tells them if they can use her favorite two words in a sentence(liver and cheese)..she will date the one that is the most creative The first dog..a german shepard steps forward and says..I love liver and cheese...she says..sorry boring the lab steps forward and says..i hate liver and cheese..she says..sorry, no originality the third dog a chihuahua(taco bell dog) steps forward and says.....
Liver alone, Cheese mine!
She leaves with the chihuahua
Posted by bousbous55 on :
Idiots on the computer Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
Posted by Deg's wife on :
I was reading through some old threads and came upon this one that must of past me by. I thought it would be nice to bring it back up to the front. Some of these are hilarious. Here's one for you!!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? DAM!!
Posted by realityinc21 on :
Hey mrs. degs...Hi..
Do you still have the same #. I will call you.
Posted by Deg's wife on :
quote:Originally posted by realityinc21: Hey mrs. degs...Hi..
Do you still have the same #. I will call you.
YESSSSSSS....I still have the same #!!! It's about time you contacted me on here....If you still have my cell, call me NOW!!! I have missed you!!!
Robin
Posted by buylow41 on :
Riddle for you guys:
Tall as she is and round as a cup, but all the kings horses can't draw her up.
What is it?
Posted by Deg's wife on :
quote:Originally posted by buylow41: Riddle for you guys:
Tall as she is and round as a cup, but all the kings horses can't draw her up.
What is it?
Buylow??????.....this is killing me and I'm having trouble finishing my work cos I keep thinking about this one.....come on, don't keep me in suspense any longer, PLEASE!!!!???
Posted by bill1352 on :
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. ...... The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
Posted by Deg's wife on :
quote:Originally posted by bill1352: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. ...... The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says... "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
OMG.......ROFLMAO Posted by Chadsly on :
quote:Originally posted by Deg's wife:
quote:Originally posted by buylow41: Riddle for you guys:
Tall as she is and round as a cup, but all the kings horses can't draw her up.
What is it?
Buylow??????.....this is killing me and I'm having trouble finishing my work cos I keep thinking about this one.....come on, don't keep me in suspense any longer, PLEASE!!!!???
Its a well.
Posted by Deg's wife on :
I am honestly glad that curiousity doesn't kill...cos I'd of died 2 days ago thinking about that riddle...if that IS the right answer. I am not going to dwell on it anymore!! That answer suits me just fine. Posted by Marty on :
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
Posted by Ric on :
I really like # 9
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Posted by Ktrain420 on :
Q> How do you know your at a QBID picnic???
A> All the hotdog's taste like chit.
I'm sorry, had to do it.......
Posted by Marty on :
Yo K that's nasty....almost as bad as a pizza with anchovies at a lesbian rally, and playing Go Fish while eatin' it LOL.....
Posted by superbroke on :
quote:Originally posted by Ktrain420: Q> How do you know your at a QBID picnic???
A> All the hotdog's taste like chit.
I'm sorry, had to do it.......
OMG....how do I respond to that....either LMFAO or SHAME ON YOU K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by buylow41 on :
I didn't think anyone was going to get it, good job Chadsly!
Posted by Deg's wife on :
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