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Topic: how the fight started

jordanreed
Member

posted

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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she
said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed, I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** *********************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at
a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'Wow!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started..

--------------------
jordan

Posts: 5812 | From: st paul,mn | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

Pagan
Member

Member Rated:

posted

LOL! Funny stuff jordan. I bet some of those are true stories too [Big Grin]

--------------------
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005 | IP: Logged |

Pagan
Member

Member Rated:

posted

Here's one for ya jordan [BadOne]

Think before you speak...

> Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
> the last one is great!
> Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
> immediately take the words back...
> or that you could crawl into a hole?
> Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.....
>
>
> FIRST TESTIMONY:
> I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
> and asked loudly,
> "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w j0b?"
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back
> My husband didn't say a word...
> he knew better.
>
>
> SECOND TESTIMONY:
> I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
> I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
> After browsing for several minutes,
> I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
> store.
> He asked if he could help me.
> Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
> mens balls"
>
> THIRD TESTIMONY:
> My sister and I were at the mall and
> passed by a store that sold a
> variety of candy and nuts.
> As we were looking at the display case,
> the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
> I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts.."
> My sister started to laugh hysterically.
> The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
> To this day,
> my sister has never let me forget.
>
>
> FOURTH TESTIMONY:
> While in line at the bank one afternoon,
> my toddler decided to release
> some pent-up energy and ran amok.
> I was finally able to grab hold of
> her after receiving looks of disgust
> and annoyance from other patrons.
> I told her that if she did not start behaving
> "right now" she would be punished.
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
> threatening,
> "If you don't let me go right now,
> I will tell Grandma that I saw you
> kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
> Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
> I mustered up the last of my dignity and
> walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
> The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
> laughter.
>
>
> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
> My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on
> him constantly.
> One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between erran ds
> It was very busy, with a full dining room.
> While enjoying my taco,
> I smelled something funny,
> so of course I checked
> my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
> Then I realized that Danny
> had not asked to go potty in a while.
> I asked him if he needed to go,
> and he said "No".
> I kept thinking
> "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with
> me.."
> Then I said,
> "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
> "No," he replied.
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
> worse.
> Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time
> he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
> bent over, spread his cheeks
> and yelled
> "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
> he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
> An old couple made me feel better,
> thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
>
>
> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
> and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
> in the future, likely think b efore she speaks.
> What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
> We had a female news anchor that,
> the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
> turned to the weatherman and asked:
> "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
> Not only did he have to leave the set,
> but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

--------------------
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Posts: 3311 | From: St. Louis | Registered: Feb 2005 | IP: Logged |

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