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tigertony
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The Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, visited Washington DC.
President
Bush took him out on a yacht for an afternoon of sailing on the
Potomac.
They were admiring the sights when all of a sudden, Mr. Sharon's
yarmulka
(kippah) blows off his head and out onto the water. The Secret service
guys
start
to launch a boat, but President Bush waves them off saying, "Wait,
wait,
I'll take care of this. Don't worry!"
President Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of water and
walks
out to the Prime Minister's kippah, bends over, picks it up and then
walks
back
to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the kippah to the Prime
Minister
amid stunned silence.
The next day on CBS News, Dan Rather reports: "BUSH CAN'T SWIM!"

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tigertony
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For Glassman,LOL


A man dies and goes to heaven. He looks around the white fluff, and
notices thousands of clocks all about, all set at different times.
He reaches the gates, and asks St.Peter, what's with all the clocks.
He replies, "They're lie clocks, everytime someone lies, the hands
move a little, every human had one."

The man points at one and asks, "Who's is that?" St.Peter replies,
"Mother Teresa's, it still at twelve o'clock, meaning she never lied
in her whole life."

"Who clock is that?" "Abraham Lincoln's, it's at 12:02, he only lied
twice in his entire life."

The man wonders, "Where's George W. Bushes clock?" St.Peter replies,
"In Jesus' office, he using it as a ceiling fan."


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tigertony
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her
what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a
shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to
your other ear?" "The son of a @#$% called back."

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tigertony
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AN ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME

There will be no nursing home in my future.........When I get old and
feeble,
I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a
nursing
home is $200 per day. I have checked with the reservations office at
Princess
and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135
per day.
That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant,
or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed
every day
of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free
washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra
$10
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask
for
them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If
you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to
a suite
for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama
Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to
go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing
home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side
at no
charge.
Sign me up LOL


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tigertony
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New Computer Viruses,

Watch out for these new viruses - neither Symantec nor McAfee have
solutions as yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for
viruses
of
mass destruction.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and
re-counting.

The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored
memory.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an
old
floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, and
then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.

The Joey Buttafucco Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy... then discards it through Windows


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Kate
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http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf





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Bob Frey
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One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He
spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not the president, and does not
reside here.

" The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same old man approached the White House and
said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not the president, and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying, "I! would like to go in and meet with
president Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Kerry, I've told you that Mr. Kerry is not the
president and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand, I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow , Sir."

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ohdagagain
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TRAVEL REMINDER
>
>
>
>We at Carnival Cruise Lines are not forgetting that a lot of entertainers promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President.
>
>With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!
>
>Attention: Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her "wife", Ed Asner, Janneane Garafalo, Whoopi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner(apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, and the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of al! l US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
>
>You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq or some similar sunny location.
>
>The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
>
>Please pack for an extended stay... at least FOUR MORE YEARS.
>
>Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
>
>Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, John Edwards as cruise director, and Gray Davis, as Purser (the guy in charge of managing the money). "Teh-RAY-sah" Heinz Kerry hopefully will be shoved somewhere below decks away from the media.
>
>Monica Lewinsky will be the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl". Entertainment will be provided by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, and movies will be shown each evening by Michae! l Moore.
>
>John Kerry will be our Life Guard based on his past ex perience of pulling people out of the water. He is also in charge of games and has eliminated "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard". Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing.
>
>Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and back-up Life Guard. He only qualifies as back-up Life Guard since his experience in rescuing people from drowning has not been too successful.
>
>Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will provide inspirational services, and Al Franken will give inspirational talks each afternoon.
>
>If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please contact Senator Hillary Clinton. Her "village" can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
>
>"Bon Voyage!"

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tigertony
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LOL
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futuresobjective
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Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like a Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."


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tigertony
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when
you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride, knowing that there could
only be
one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a
moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you
should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he/she once saved your life,
and
this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old
friend and let him/her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait
for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, even though he got the job with this lofty and honorable
answer, it
wasn't the correct answer. For the correct answer, scroll down.

The correct answer is:
to run over the old lady and put her out of her misery,
have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,
and then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings.


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glassman
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Subject: FW: No Spikka Inglish


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."



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tigertony
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LOL
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ohdagagain
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Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?' The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "a Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


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Kate
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Subject: Entrance Examination

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and
Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling
up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll
give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asks St. Peter."How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that
and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd. . . ...."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and
final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song. . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I
AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."



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ohdagagain
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be
six again", was her reply. On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose
early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to
Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the
park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller
coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of
the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn,
a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again? "Her eyes slowly
opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you
dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.


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tigertony
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

JOHN KERRY
I voted to support the chicken crossing the road before I voted
against the chicken. I do not believe the chicken should have crossed
the road without the support of the French, Germans, and United
Nations. Did I mention I have three Purple Hearts?

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't need to know why the chicken crossed the road. We just want
to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken
is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was
crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that
somebody out there is already forming a support group to help
chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How
much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm
talking about your money, money the government took from you to build
a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people
see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we Boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly
harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath
the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken!

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU
SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken did cross the road, and there
was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?


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tigertony
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Invitation

You are Invited!!!!!
Due to the cancellation of the Inaugural Ball for Senator Kerry...There
will
be a small Suare' (pity party) for those who have already bought their
attire.
The nights entertainment will be provided by the DIXIE CHICKS & Bruce
Springsteen
Tissues for excessive self pity will be furnished by Susan Sarrandon
and Tim Robbins
We are pleased to announce DAN RATHER will be our Master of
ceremonies!!!
Yeah!!!!
Cameron Diaz has pledged CUPCAKES!!
Whats this?....a Free Screening of Fahrenheit 911! Thank you Michael
Moore.
Ashton Kutcher will sign his latest book..."I open my mouth...and
stupid falls out"
P Diddy will not be in attendance, he is still trying to get the vote
out.
If you see him tell him that he was not "disenfranchised" from this
event. He
can come home now.
Barbara Streisand is preparing for her next role and will not be here,
(boo hoo),
she will be starring as Teresa Heinz Kerry in the sad story of " Shove
it"
Just in.....Grapes will be provided by the Heinz Corporation....Sorry,
only
SOUR available.
The Reverend Jesse Jackson will be cooking on the BBQ and John Kerry
will be
flippin the burgers...something he has proven to be very good at. Lots
of
Ketchup folks, the white house has donated thousands of bottles,
relish, mustard,
and all the pickles too. when asked why the generosity? The spokesman
for the
Bush Household told us.....We have switched to DelMonte thank you very
much.
Attention all actors: Norman Lear is casting for his new television
show
"Fahrenheit 11-2-04 how'd the GOP do that?"
Hope to see you all there...not much else going on.
HILLARY


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keithsan
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Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also,
since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new
one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and bull****
with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our
daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and
hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need
him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like
it


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futuresobjective
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quote:
Originally posted by tigertony:
Why did the chicken cross the road?


ROFLMAO, that made me laugh more that I think it should have... funny ... thanks... my favorite is al gore... lol


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Upside
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A guy walks into a bar with a sheep on his.... ahh, better not. I'll probably get myself banned.
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tigertony
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The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.


(I must admit, it's pretty good,


We always hear "the rules" from the female side.


Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!


Please note... these are all numbered "1"

ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,
please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh!!


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glassman
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Tony, sounds like you had a great thanksgiving tooooooo...LOL

my brother passed this one on to me when we were finally chased out of the house Thurs. evening...

If a man is alone in the woods and there is no one there to hear, is he still wrong?????


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tigertony
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Hope you had a good holiday.And if you ask a woman she would say yes you would still be wrong.LOL
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glassman
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some do.......but only the dumb ones....hi ho
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Kate
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Well Tony, I agree with most of them, except for the asking for directions one! I know we've gotten lost, or were late, because one of us, (not me) didn't want to stop and ask for directions! And Glass, Yes, because if the tree falls, and no one is there to hear it, it still makes noise, so yes, you would be wrong!
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glassman
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but Kate, i didn't even SAY anything....LOL
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Kate
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Doesn't matter; you're a man aren't you? Hehe!
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glassman
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yes, i mean wooff woof oink oink...LOL
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TradingWizard
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Bank Loan

A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


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Kate
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Diary of a Deer Hunter
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.


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ohdagagain
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THE TIGHT SKIRT
>
> In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
> waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
it
> was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
> allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
> Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
> behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
> enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to
> discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
> reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second
time
> attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not
> raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
> to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this
> time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by
the
> waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
> turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!
I
> don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,
> normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times,
> I kinda figured we was friends."

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Kate
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Kate's First Day, Hunting Day Yes, it's a joke!

4:30 am. Got awakened by hubby, dropping something very loudly in bathroom! Decided to drag myself out of bed, before he came yelling for me to get up! Got dressed!

4:40 am. Trying to find a backpack, to carry all of my stuff in, because for some reason, I've got tons of stuff to carry, and not enough pockets! Asked Hubby, and he doesn't know where it is, because I am always putting things away! Digging and searching!

4:45 am. Found backpack! Emptied old deer antlers, bit's of garbage and stuff, from hubbys archery hunting, and put in new stuff, including snackies,shells, soda, flashlight, and a book, (don't know why) and wondering what kinds of deer lures are lurking in the fabrics with my snackies! Hmmmmmmmm!

4:46 am. Dressed, with clothes, hat and coats, and ready to go, but decide I'd better take a bathroom break, because women are different than men, (duh) and it isn't very convenient in the woods, giving the other hunters a peep show, so off goes some of the clothes again!

5:00 am. Fully dressed, and trying to get my big huge boots on my feet! Bought them, because they are comfortable, and well insulated, so my feet should be nice and dry and warm!

5:05 am. Headed to truck, and trying to find enough room to sit on the seat, with hubbys coat, gun, and other stuff, sliding onto my side, and trying to keep my gun from banging into his, as we pull out of the driveway! (Had a nightmare the day we shot them in, dropped my gun and scope on floor, because the strap broke, and had hubby flip out, upset, poor hubby, because it wouldn't even hit the target, but he tightened the screws in the mounts next day, and thank the Lord, it was fixed, sigh!)

5:20 am. Trudging behind hubby in the dark, up the side of the mountain, to get to our spots, and wishing I swore, because the big stupid, warm, comfortable boots, were keeping my ankles from moving, and along with the added weight of the extra clothes, backpack full of goodies, hot seat, and rifle, was having a terrible time walking! Hubby had to stop every twenty steps or so, and wait for old huffing and puffing! Geech! Got to my spot, and was never so glad to sit down, until hubby left me there in the dark, and I remembered the fact that the neighbors said someone saw a mountain lion in the area! Also some bear! Great!

5:30 am. to 2:00 pm, sitting and shivering out in the woods, and not seeing any deer, at all, because the only ones that came near me that day,( I could hear them running) ran up past hubby, who was sitting in HIS spot, and he shot a doe! Watched several hunters, walking around our spots, scaring any potential deer away, and wondering why we were still there! Sitting there, shelling peanuts, throwing the hulls at each other! Getting bored!

2:00 pm. Walked out of the woods, behind hubby and the dead deer,loaded it up in truck, (with help from one of the annoying hunters) he was nice, I grudgingly say, and came home!

5:00 pm. After hanging up deer, hubby skinning and cleaning the meat, and me making soup out of Thanksgiving left overs, we ate supper, and decided to play Deer Hunter 2005 edition on our computers! It's warmer, safer, and you always see something!


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glassman
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Kate, not sure why you would be nervous about the bears and puma's....LOL you're the one that's got the rifle.....heehee

the bears and puma's? they are foreal...

i saw a puma (dead) on the side of the road on 81 just south of Winchester the Sat after T'giving....
they finally opened bear season back up in Md cuz there are too many, and then they shut it down early cuz they got so many so fast.....
course, i don't see much thrill in taking one with his head stuck in in the garbage can museff.......


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Kate
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Yes, they are definately real here, and how would I shoot them, in the dark?
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