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"Hello, super DJ!" Ferry Corsten said to me as he strolled up to the bar at Café Uilenstede. "How was Sioux City You got laid by all the party girls, ja?"
"Ssshhhh!!!!" I shushed. "Don't draw attention to us!"
"Sure, sure. What's the big deal? Why are you so afraid?"
"It's my girlfriend," I said. "Mateja."
"Ah, yes! Mateja! The beautiful Slovene with the perfect t*ts!"
"What?"
"The perfect t*tted Slovene girl!"
"I beg your freaking pardon?"
"The Slovenian one whose t*tties are perfect! Wait? Are we talking about a different Mateja?"
"You're still married, aren't you?"
"Just like your suckling mouth is married to Mateja's perfect Slovenian t*ts!"
Ludwig, my pet Bavarian boar, made an unfortunately-timed sucking sound in his pint glass.
"Another Heineken, please," I said to the bartender. "One for Ferry and Ludwig, too."
"But different glasses," Ferry clarified. "So, what is the problem with Mateja that concerns you so? She found out that you were getting it on in Sioux City with hot teens?"
"Not exactly. But...well...yesterday, after I had thoroughly sated her in bed, we were indeed talking about my recent trip to Sioux City. And she said things that seemed, well, almost psychic."
"So she found out about your good times with the teens, ja? You're in the doghouse now!"
"Well, there wasn't really... Ferry, this is very hard to say..."
"I'm here for you Mr. Lava! Just let it all out!"
"There was nothing to 'find out' about my trip to Sioux City."
Ferry's bottom lip trembled. "You mean—?"
"Nothing happened. There! I said it! NOTHING! HAPPENED!"
"Mr. Lava! What happened to make nothing happen?"
"Oh those girls were all over Zac Efron! That freaking elf."
"The guy in High School Musical? I love that movie! But what's up with the DVD? Like, they only teach you one of the dances!"
"I think the girls thought I was a little bit..."
"Don't say it. Don't say it Mr. Lava! It is not true!"
"...old."
"NOT TRUE! LIES! LIES! LIES!" Ferry hammered the bar counter for emphasis.
"I'm sorry, Ferry—"
"Mr. Lava. I am going to tell you what really happened. And you must believe this, until the day you die. You were just being responsible to Mateja. You don't cheat on a perfect-t*tted Slovenian girl. That's why you let Zac get all the action."
"You're half right. I wouldn't have cheated on Mateja, it's true. But I expected to still be...you know...popular with the ladies. Desirable!"
"You're being too hard on yourself, Mr. Lava. I think the girls, they liked you. But you were probably, I don't know, haunted. Bothered by your responsibility to Mateja. So you couldn't make any connection with them. You sabotaged your chances with the grown-up things you have on your mind. And you know? Maybe that's not a bad thing."
Ludwig grunted profoundly.
"What really bothers me is that Mateja basically figured it all out. She guessed what happened to me in Sioux City, even though she wasn't there with me."
"Ah! Women's intuition!" Ferry said. "It is a famous thing!"
"But I don't believe in women's intuition. I don't believe in psychic phenomenon."
"The women's intuition is not necessarily a psychic phenomenon. It is more like an instinctive understanding of things. Women are tuned to those emotional frequencies, so they can make logical connections that men cannot. That's why men can't understand women. If you can understand women, then you're a fag. I'm kidding! Ha-ha!"
-------------------- I came here to teach you about the enchanting rhythms of the universe... Posts: 222 | From: Earth | Registered: May 2006
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Dang, my dog would really love Ludwigs ear. Look at that thing, he'd slobber over it for days.
Posts: 5729 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Sep 2003
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Geez, that's gonna be one huge dog Glass. Mine's a nine year old Dingo that's only about 65 lbs and he just loves those pig ears you can get at the pet store. Make sure you save me Ludwigs ears, I'll slow cook them on the grill for him.
Posts: 5729 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Sep 2003
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Maybe I'll tell my friend Hecter Feliz, the albino Mexican card sharp and magician, that studied and learned the dark arts from ancient Aztec masters in the deep jungles of his native southern Mexico about Ludwig and he can put the poor beast out of his misery.
Hafta take care though, with Hecter's apetite the way it is. Once he gets into a bar-b-queing mood, he don't seem to have breaks on it. A hundred pound puppy smoking in the oven along side of a pig would just be apitizin chile meat to Hecter.
Posts: 11304 | From: Fort Worth, Texas | Registered: Mar 2005
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I've been trying for years to "legally" obtain an African Wild Dog. They've never been domesticated but if I could find a pup, I'm sure I could do it. The wife says she'll divorce me if I ever come across one so I might have a nasty decision to make if I ever do find one.
Posts: 5729 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Sep 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Upside: I've been trying for years to "legally" obtain an African Wild Dog. They've never been domesticated but if I could find a pup, I'm sure I could do it. The wife says she'll divorce me if I ever come across one so I might have a nasty decision to make if I ever do find one.
how'd you get the dingo? i've never seen any inth eUS
-------------------- Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise. Posts: 36378 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2003
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Had a dog that answered to Ge'downDAMMIT! My cat thinks he is "You damned snot" or Why'd you do that?"
Posts: 11304 | From: Fort Worth, Texas | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Upside: I've been trying for years to "legally" obtain an African Wild Dog. They've never been domesticated but if I could find a pup, I'm sure I could do it. The wife says she'll divorce me if I ever come across one so I might have a nasty decision to make if I ever do find one.
how'd you get the dingo? i've never seen any inth eUS
Guy who was stationed overseas brought back a bi-tch that was pregnant and dumped her at a place in town called orphaned canines. It's run by a kindly old woman who will take in any mongrel, good or bad. She had a litter of six pups and we picked one up. It was a risk because they're pretty much a wild animal too but the dog took well to training and now it's far and away the best dog I've ever had. Only problem is that they're highly intelligent and he has to feel he's just another family member. He's gotta be involved in everything we do. He'll tolerate visitors but doesn't really like anyone outside of the family. He's laying on the couch right now fast asleep.
Posts: 5729 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Sep 2003
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Tic tic tic thock! Our over sized Goldfish spiting rocks at the glass tank...Then I get up and feed some more pellets...Now they do it when I walk by! The Cat growls...
Posts: 10729 | From: oregon | Registered: Feb 2005
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You found Ludwig's mom! That whore! She got porked and knocked up by Lomez, the suave Bavarian boar known for his tantric sex techniques he learned from Sting. That whore left Ludwig for dead on my doorstep one fateful day two years ago.
Posts: 222 | From: Earth | Registered: May 2006
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sorry Mr. Lava, i though that was Ludwig. and tell Ludwig not to worry, NoNo Baddog only wants to go after wild hogs, so as long as he doesn't party too hardy Ludwig should be fine...
-------------------- Don't envy the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise. Posts: 36378 | From: USA | Registered: Sep 2003
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Ludwig does have mamma's features. I swear they have the same shaped nipples, and a raging penchant for beer, cocaine, and peyote.
-------------------- I came here to teach you about the enchanting rhythms of the universe... Posts: 222 | From: Earth | Registered: May 2006
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Indeed. Ludwig can hotrail a line of coke faster than Mary Kate and Ashley Olson combined.
-------------------- I came here to teach you about the enchanting rhythms of the universe... Posts: 222 | From: Earth | Registered: May 2006
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